Hi my name is Alyssa and I'm a relatively new Poynton PANDAS Group Member.
My son J is 2 and I am slowly adjusting to life as a mum. It's not all rainbows and butterflies like some people lead you to believe. I had a good pregnancy, easy labour, I turned up at hospital fully dilated. I went on to have the perfect water birth, in fact I would do that again tomorrow. However it all seemed to go downhill from then.
In all honesty the first few months, if not first year of J's life is a blur to me. We had feeding problems which resulted in a short hospital stay after J was born. I ended up having to express and cup feed J for what seemed like forever. Eventually 2 weeks in I broke down and 'gave in', I started to give J formula. Now I know what you're thinking. I bet you thought that would be a lot easier. In J's case though it wasn't as that was the start of our journey, which ended up with him being diagnosed with Cows Milk Protein Allergy.
J spent most of his newborn days crying and sleeping very little. We put this down to him being a newborn baby, that's what they do isn't it. However he would cry for a feed, take ages and fuss when feeding. Then he would be unsettled for ages before finally falling asleep for maybe 20 minutes before the cycle started again. I lasted 4 weeks before he had a sleepover at grandmas. I physically couldn't function I was getting barely 3 hours of broken sleep a night. When he went to stay at my mums I wasn't remotely upset, I didn't miss him. This then made me feel guilty for not missing him , sounds daft doesnt it.
When J was 4 months old I went to the doctors about him having reflux but I ended up breaking down on the GP. I got referred for CBT and given Anti Depressents. At the time I didn't think CBT was that helpful but looking back it has definitely made me question my thoughts and feelings when I am feeling down. I found the fact I did CBT 1 to 1 and in person was a big help to me rather than an online course. I ended up stopping my AD's as I ran out and got into the cycle of not being able to go to get another prescription. At my worst point I was to afraid to go out of the house incase J started crying and people thought I was a bad mum as I couldn't make him stop. Eventually with the help of others I managed to slowly walk round the block each day and built it up. Everytime I went out I just secretly hoped that I wouldn't bump into anyone.
When I finally made it back to the GP and started back on the AD's I noticed a massive difference. I still take them now but that is nothing I am ashamed of. I am in a much better place now but still have my down episodes but I can notice when it is happening more now. One of the things I find helpful is getting out of the house even when I don't feel like it. That is where Poynton PANDAS has come in handy. I also suffer from anxiety and going out and J playing up is part of that worry. I have been made to feel welcome at the group and have explained to Rhi this problem. This in itself is half of the problem solved as I know if J does play up they understand. Most recently with evil teething I have been having a bad time but I made myself go to the Poynton PANDAS group and can safely say that it lifted my mood whilst I was there.
I actually started a blog as a coping mechanism for my PND www.mumtomonster.com It was a way for me to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. It has now turned into an online diary as such and a way to store memories as I cannot remember so much of the first year because of the PND haze. Depression is nothing to be ashamed about and I have never had a problem opening up about it. This was one of the things that annoyed me as apparently talking about depression helps you recover, but in my case it didn't.
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If you could do with some understanding company when times are hard, come to Poynton PANDAS weekly drop-in support group.
Every term time Monday 10.45-12.15 at St George's Church Hall, Poynton.
For more information email psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS
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