I didn't like to bore her with the details because in my head, she didn't really want to know how I was. Much like the other delegates at the Conference who I barely knew - I'm sure they didn't give a damn if I was there or not. You see this for me is the aftermath of postnatal depression. This is the PND after party in all it's self-doubting, over-analysing, tending towards the negative glory.
"Don't be so hard on yourself" my husband still says on the days and nights that I just can't see past my own weaknesses and and failures. "Just look at the twins. They're brilliant and that's mostly down to you". I believe him. I know he says these words and means them but I just can't accept them. You see the problem is.... the problem is that I must be weak and I must be a failure because I had postnatal depression. I feel that I carry that trophy around with me every day. Screw the kids being happy and healthy, the fun times we have as a family, the fact that I have all I want in the world - I'm a big, fat PND failure.
"I want you to have the flower shaped playdough piece" says Bea as I write this blog post. "Why do you want me to have it?" I ask. Because "you the best mummy" says a beaming 3 year old with pink rosy cheeks. "Hmmmmm I think. I'm alright. But I'm probably a bit shit. Yes I'm definitely a bit shit because I got ill, I lost my job and now the best I can do is to volunteer. What a loser!
I met some lovely people yesterday at the conference. The day wasn't so bad after all! People seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.... or did they?!! There were many moments of pride and relief yesterday as I looked around the room and saw it was full of people who had been poorly with perinatal mental illness. "I feel quite emotional" said one delegate and fellow Support Group Leader. "I've never been with so many people who have had PND and overcome it". The relief on her face was plain to see. At last there was an acceptance in the room as well as a deeper personal acceptance and acknowledgement of the fight we have all fought and overcome.
The highlight for me was meeting author Olivia Siegl of the brilliant blog The Baby Bible - the no bullshit guide to motherhood http://www.the-baby-bible.com/blog/ . I love Olivia's honest, upfront, no bullshit style in her writing and I was moved to see that she is a survivor just like me. Olivia, with all of her successes and followers, stood up to speak to us and spoke candidly about how her self-doubt and low self-esteem had led her to nearly cancel her appearance at the conference. Damn that evil PND but thank goodness I thought. At last I heard someone speak by inner thoughts out load. Even Olivia Siegl doesn't think she's good enough. It's not just me.
So I'm now going to write some new invitations to my next PND afterparty. Self-doubt, low self-worth and self-loathing - you can do one! I am in cohoots with my new army of survivors. They're called "You can do it", "Just give it a go", "Why not?", "Do it now and worry later". These guys are the new in-crowd!!
Lots of love
Rhiannon (PND Survivor) (and proud) xx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9lyzadA870&feature=youtu.be
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If you are struggling with pre or postnatal mental health issues and need some support, please come along to our support group Poynton PANDAS every term-time Monday 10.45-12.15 @ St George's Church Hall, Poynton or email psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS
For information on how PANDAS can help you or to find a support group close to you, visit http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/
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