Hello, my name is Hazel, I’m 34 and live in a quiet little
close with my husband and our two little boys, Noah and Daniel. Noah is, erm, lively, active, inquisitive, boisterous,
adventurous, fearless, bonkers, adorable, sensitive and loving. Daniel’s personality is still developing, so
far he is determined, placid and cuddly.
Noah’s pregnancy and labour was text book. Looking back now I think I had mild anxiety
after his birth. I was worried about
getting everything right. It didn’t help
that Noah would settle with anyone but me.
I tried talking to my Health Visitor about my concerns but I got the
feeling she didn’t take me seriously. I
remember her commenting that I was dressed and the house was tidy so I was
fine!
I was diagnosed with Antenatal Depression (AND) when I was 4
months pregnant with my second son. I’d
heard of Post Natal Depression but never Antenatal. It started as soon as I conceived, but at the
time I thought my emotional outbursts where due to normal pregnancy
hormones. After 7 days of crying
hysterically I realised that something wasn’t quite right. I Googled ‘emotions in pregnancy’ but it
didn’t match my symptoms. I Googled
‘extreme emotions in pregnancy’ and I ticked every box. I needed help. I told my husband, who was relieved, because
he’d already made a doctor’s appointment and didn’t know how to tell me that I
was going.
My doctor was brilliant, I explained the past couple of
months and she reassured me that things would get better. We discussed all of my options. I was reluctant to take medication because I
wanted to get better through natural methods.
When I left I took the prescription and intended to leave it a couple of
weeks to see if I could get better myself but I ended up going to the chemist
on the way home and started taking them the following day.
At that time I needed my family but they were not there for
me. I’d supported them through stage 4 cancer, a brain haemorrhage and
university but the one time I was ‘ill’ and needed support they abandoned me. I still feel let down now, 14 months later,
but what good would discussing it do, the words ‘you chose to have kids’ still echoes
through my head. Apparently they’d
noticed a change in my behaviour but never said anything to me or my
husband. When I needed my mum the most
she wasn’t there and that was hard. Even
though things are better now it’s not the same.
When I announced my second pregnancy my family suddenly
stopped caring for my 2 year old whilst I was at work. For nearly 5 months we had to adjust our
working hours to cover childcare which resulted in very few days off together. With pregnancy fatigue and an extremely
active and challenging 2 year old I was physically exhausted some days, thank
goodness for In The Night Garden.
The friends I met when I had Noah were brilliant and were
there for me throughout, supporting me sometimes without them even
realising. I find mummies a funny bred,
if you know them they are lovely but towards strangers some can be very
judgmental. I stopped going to playgroups
and dreaded going anywhere for fear of being judged, and glared at. At my lowest point I felt worthless and
wanted to disappear, not suicidal, I just wanted to vanish for a while. It left me feeling unbelievably lonely, sometimes
I wanted help and support and to be around people who understood how I felt, I
wish I’d found PANDAs sooner. Listening
to other mums tell their stories was like listening to them tell mine.
Towards the end of my pregnancy my little boy, without
knowing it, actually helped me. He was
obsessed with Marple’s memorial park and the canal. Every day we did the same thing, come rain or
shine, we’d play on the park, ride round the skate park followed by a walk
along the canal looking in every lock.
We’d leave the canal at the Ring O’ Bells and walk down to the precinct,
pop into the swimming baths to look at the water, walk past the fire station
and peer through the window to see the engine then back to the park.
Baby number two was born at record speed, 3 hours from first
contraction to holding him. Noah wasn’t particularly
interest in him but that was fine.
Daniel is a snuggler, which I love because I missed out on that with
Noah. The Health Visitor came regularly
and commented that at only a few weeks old he’d follow me round the room and
look for my voice, realising that really boost my confidence.
Second time round I am definitely more relaxed and less
anxious. I’m worried about doing things
wrong, as long as both children are cared for and happy who cares if the grass
in the garden is a little bit longer than it should be.
During a conversation with my Health Visitor she asked me to
think about the things that I enjoy doing for myself, not as a mum or a wife
but me, Hazel. Well I was flummoxed, I
really had to think hard and it took me a couple of weeks to come up with
anything.
Once Daniel was 4 months old I joined that gym. I used to love exercise and for the first
time in a long time I got 2 hours to myself every other day. When I was at the gym I didn’t need to worry
about the kids, the washing, being perfect.
The positive endorphins from exercise and shifting some baby weight
worked wonders. I’ve also joined a local
book club which is giving me something to focus on and enjoy.
I’m due to return to work mid April and I am looking forward
to it.
I still have the occasional down
days but when they occur I try to think about the positives rather than dwell
on the negatives.
It’s taken a while but
I feel like myself again and allowing myself that little bit of ‘me’ time has
really helped.
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