My name
is Hannah and I am Mum to two gorgeous boys – Alex (aged 5) and Daniel (aged
2). In hindsight I had postnatal
depression after having Alex but never sought any advice or professional support. At her second (and last visit) I remember the
Health Visitor asking me the questions to “score” my mood and her commenting on
how down I appeared. But she then explained
that she was about to go on maternity leave herself so gave me the phone number
for the health visiting team if I had any problems!! I was very tearful and I definitely struggled
to bond with my baby but put this down to a very traumatic labour. My strategy for coping was to be very busy
and relied very heavily on my family.
When
Alex was two we decided to try for a second baby and was very fortunate to
conceive quickly. Whereas I had had bad
morning sickness with my first pregnancy, (including being sick every day for 9
months!) I was much worse with my second pregnancy!! Even before my booking-in appointment I had
ended up in hospital due to dehydration and was told I had hyperemesis gravidarum. It’s even difficult for me now to imagine how
terrible I was feeling at my worst but I remember lying in the dark, unable to
move, thinking that I had three options: to commit suicide; to have an
abortion; or to somehow get through the next 8 months. Thankfully, I went for the third, but at the
time it could very easily have been one of the first two options.
I am
certain that being so physically drained was a factor to me developing prenatal
depression. I sobbed at consecutive
midwife appointments and talked about how it felt like my unborn baby was a
parasite. She persuaded me to see my GP
who then referred to the Crisis Team at hospital as he felt unable to prescribe
antidepressants during pregnancy.
Unfortunately, even though I explained to the psychiatric nurse how
awful I felt and that I thought that my unborn baby knew it wasn’t loved, this
was a dreadful appointment and I was told to contact them again once the baby
was born. I was in a terrible place and I
ended up paying for numerous sessions of counselling (where I sat and cried for
an hour each week) but eventually stopped as I felt I couldn’t justify the
cost.
Thankfully
my second labour was much more straightforward and I wasn’t scared or worried
about not bonding with the baby as I knew that would come in time. However, I wasn’t prepared for my low mood to
worsen. The midwives who visited me at
were concerned and a psychiatrist visited me at home. I was happy to try an antidepressant but was
also determined to breastfeed. This
wasn’t because I felt I should or that I ought to, but because it was the only
thing that I felt I was “good” at. It
was the only thing that I could provide for my baby. Having said that there were times when I
literally fed him then felt so repulsed by him (yes, a strong word, I know)
that I passed him to whoever was looking after us. I didn’t even want to be in the same room as
him, thoughts that I am ashamed to share even now.
Unfortunately
it wasn’t until the fifth antidepressant that I tried that worked. As it’s essential that you take each one for
about 2 months, to assess whether it is working, this was a painstakingly slow
process. Thankfully the Crisis Team that
I had seen during pregnancy had agreed to put me on the waiting list for Cognitive
Behaviour Therapy so Daniel was only a few months old when I started this. I found it immensely helpful and still
practice what I learnt on an almost daily basis. I have also been fortunate enough to have
some excellent counselling on the NHS in the past year which has been
incredibly beneficial: just a shame that the waiting lists are as they
are.
It may
surprise you that for about the first five or six months I managed to hide most
of the above from the vast majority of my friends – both old and new. My strategy, again, was to keep busy – have
groups and classes to get out the house for and “put on the smile”. I kept hoping and hoping that the tears would
stop coming, the feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness and failure would pass
and that the guilt would be suppressed.
But eventually it just became too exhausting to keep up the “mask” and I
had to be honest with my friends about how much I was struggling.
As well
as the medication and therapy one of the most important parts of my recovery
has been the support I have received from local Mums who have suffered as I
have. Just being able to go specialist
support groups where I felt understood and not judged was absolutely
invaluable. Even if it was somewhere to
go to laugh one week and cry the next it was just what I needed. Not to feel alone in my struggles.
I
believe that the pressures put on Mums now a days – how to act, look, respond,
socialise, feel etc etc. is immense.
There are decisions to be made at every stage of motherhood – breast or
bottle; controlled crying or not; dummy or not; puree or baby lead weaning; the
list goes on and on. We can feel judged
and insecure in our decisions and when combined with sleep deprivation our mood
and self esteem can be hugely affected.
Thanks
to the support, therapy and mediation as well as my awesome family and friends,
I now feel “well” and am in recovery. I
have remembered (and sometime re-learnt!) how to be “me” again. I now do things that I enjoy, just for me and
try hard not to compare myself to others.
I have met some wonderful people in the past few years and know that
good will come from the lows that I experienced.
I feel
passionately about changing the attitudes towards mental health and
specifically about perinatal mental health.
I believe it is not something to be ashamed of and hidden as it is
scarily common, just not spoken about. I
have been brought up as a feminist but also now understand that pregnancy and
giving birth changes absolutely everything about you, physically and
emotionally, and the adjustment can be an enormous one to cope with. Although women are incredibly strong and
capable of amazing things, I believe we sometimes need help and support to
manage with everyday life. This is why I
am proud to be involved in the South Manchester PANDAS support group. I hope that here women will also be able to
find the support and friendship that I found – whether it be a place to laugh
together, to cry, or just to be. You’ll
be very welcome.
South
Manchester PANDAS hold peer support meetings bi-weekly on a Thursday morning
between 10.30-12pm, at the Home Community Café, Emmanuel church, Barlow Moor
Rd, Didsbury. We hope to see you there.
If you need
any further information please contact Hannah or Lisa at southmanchesterpandas@yahoo.com
or find us on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/PNDsupportsouthmanchester
for up to date information on support group meetings.
Other Local Support Groups:
Poynton PANDAS: Drop-in support group is held at
St George's Church Hall in Poynton on Mondays (term time) 10.45-12.15. Email psppoynton@aol.co.uk
– free
Butterflies: Every Monday during termtime 1.15pm-2.45pm
Reddish North Children’s Centre. Relaxed
play session with snack and song time for Mums with PND
Beat the Blues: The first Thursday of every month
7pm-9pm Progress House, Cale Green www.beattheblues-stockport.co.uk Cake,
chat, craft and alternative therapy sessions for £3.
HART: Art for Mums with PND in a relaxed
and informal setting, Fridays 10am-12noon, Greg Street, Reddish,
www.artsforrecovery.com
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