My journey through antenatal depression

Hello, my name is Hazel, I’m 34 and live in a quiet little close with my husband and our two little boys, Noah and Daniel.  Noah is, erm, lively, active, inquisitive, boisterous, adventurous, fearless, bonkers, adorable, sensitive and loving.  Daniel’s personality is still developing, so far he is determined, placid and cuddly.

Noah’s pregnancy and labour was text book.  Looking back now I think I had mild anxiety after his birth.  I was worried about getting everything right.  It didn’t help that Noah would settle with anyone but me.  I tried talking to my Health Visitor about my concerns but I got the feeling she didn’t take me seriously.  I remember her commenting that I was dressed and the house was tidy so I was fine! 

I was diagnosed with Antenatal Depression (AND) when I was 4 months pregnant with my second son.  I’d heard of Post Natal Depression but never Antenatal.  It started as soon as I conceived, but at the time I thought my emotional outbursts where due to normal pregnancy hormones. After 7 days of crying hysterically I realised that something wasn’t quite right.  I Googled ‘emotions in pregnancy’ but it didn’t match my symptoms.  I Googled ‘extreme emotions in pregnancy’ and I ticked every box.  I needed help.  I told my husband, who was relieved, because he’d already made a doctor’s appointment and didn’t know how to tell me that I was going.

My doctor was brilliant, I explained the past couple of months and she reassured me that things would get better.  We discussed all of my options.  I was reluctant to take medication because I wanted to get better through natural methods.  When I left I took the prescription and intended to leave it a couple of weeks to see if I could get better myself but I ended up going to the chemist on the way home and started taking them the following day. 

At that time I needed my family but they were not there for me. I’d supported them through stage 4 cancer, a brain haemorrhage and university but the one time I was ‘ill’ and needed support they abandoned me. I still feel let down now, 14 months later, but what good would discussing it do, the words ‘you chose to have kids’ still echoes through my head.  Apparently they’d noticed a change in my behaviour but never said anything to me or my husband.  When I needed my mum the most she wasn’t there and that was hard.  Even though things are better now it’s not the same.

When I announced my second pregnancy my family suddenly stopped caring for my 2 year old whilst I was at work.  For nearly 5 months we had to adjust our working hours to cover childcare which resulted in very few days off together.  With pregnancy fatigue and an extremely active and challenging 2 year old I was physically exhausted some days, thank goodness for In The Night Garden.  

The friends I met when I had Noah were brilliant and were there for me throughout, supporting me sometimes without them even realising.  I find mummies a funny bred, if you know them they are lovely but towards strangers some can be very judgmental.  I stopped going to playgroups and dreaded going anywhere for fear of being judged, and glared at.  At my lowest point I felt worthless and wanted to disappear, not suicidal, I just wanted to vanish for a while.  It left me feeling unbelievably lonely, sometimes I wanted help and support and to be around people who understood how I felt, I wish I’d found PANDAs sooner.  Listening to other mums tell their stories was like listening to them tell mine.  

Towards the end of my pregnancy my little boy, without knowing it, actually helped me.  He was obsessed with Marple’s memorial park and the canal.  Every day we did the same thing, come rain or shine, we’d play on the park, ride round the skate park followed by a walk along the canal looking in every lock.  We’d leave the canal at the Ring O’ Bells and walk down to the precinct, pop into the swimming baths to look at the water, walk past the fire station and peer through the window to see the engine then back to the park.  

Baby number two was born at record speed, 3 hours from first contraction to holding him.  Noah wasn’t particularly interest in him but that was fine.  Daniel is a snuggler, which I love because I missed out on that with Noah.  The Health Visitor came regularly and commented that at only a few weeks old he’d follow me round the room and look for my voice, realising that really boost my confidence.

Second time round I am definitely more relaxed and less anxious.  I’m worried about doing things wrong, as long as both children are cared for and happy who cares if the grass in the garden is a little bit longer than it should be.

During a conversation with my Health Visitor she asked me to think about the things that I enjoy doing for myself, not as a mum or a wife but me, Hazel.  Well I was flummoxed, I really had to think hard and it took me a couple of weeks to come up with anything.

Once Daniel was 4 months old I joined that gym.  I used to love exercise and for the first time in a long time I got 2 hours to myself every other day.  When I was at the gym I didn’t need to worry about the kids, the washing, being perfect.  The positive endorphins from exercise and shifting some baby weight worked wonders.  I’ve also joined a local book club which is giving me something to focus on and enjoy.

I’m due to return to work mid April and I am looking forward to it.  I still have the occasional down days but when they occur I try to think about the positives rather than dwell on the negatives.  It’s taken a while but I feel like myself again and allowing myself that little bit of ‘me’ time has really helped.

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