Meet our Volunteer Peer Supporter - Charlotte

My name is Charlotte Humphreys, I am 24 and mummy to 2 children.

I have been studying for the past 12 months, and will do for the next 12 in order to make it onto the Midwifery programme where it will lead me to a career I am passionate about and will ultimately love.

In between studies I love to spend quality time with my children, together and separately. On the odd occasion I see have time without my children, I love and appreciate "me time" where I catch up with close friends, have dinner out, go to the cinema or even just paint my nails!

I discovered PANDAS whilst looking into areas I could study to help with my future education, training and personal support I provide to close friends.

Perinatal Mental Health has been an issue close to my heart after suffering Prenatal Depression with my first child and Postnatal Depression with my second. Originally with Prenatal Depression I didn't even realise what was wrong. It never occurred that my tearfulness, low energy, constant sleeping, feeling of "alienation", wanting to hide my baby bump and not wanting others to talk about my baby was actually my state of mind. I didn't have the confidence to even speak to my Midwife at my antenatal appointment!

Postnatal Depression didn't occur until my second child was 15 months old, again never realising that it could occur so long after birth! I didn't know of anyone to talk to so I immediately went to the doctors and expressed my concerns of feeling as though I wanted to run away from my family, never feeling adequate or I was doing things right. I felt all the struggles that come with being a mum was personal, a target just for me, not something that is shared by every parent at some stage!

I am here to provide support, understanding and a friendly hug; things I didn't feel I had when I was unwell. If I'd found a peer support group like PANDAS, I might have felt I had more options than going on medication straight away.

I want to be able to give the opportunity for anyone experiencing similar situations to myself or the other PANDAS Peer Supporters, to feel at ease, and free from judgement. I want them to seek advice and feel relief from the strain of this illness which I didn't have outside of my family.

Charlotte xx

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If you could do with someone to talk with about pre or postnatal mental health, come along to our weekly drop in group which starts again on Monday 7th September at St George's Church, Poynton 10.45-12.15. Children are very welcome. It's a free, no pressure, supportive environment.

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

Modern motherhood is a bitch

With recent figures suggesting that 1 in 7 mothers have some form of mental health problem following the birth of their child, and a Guardian article from 2014 showing a rise in doctors prescribing antidepressants, particularly among women, I wonder what has gone wrong? These days it seems that modern motherhood is so challenging that you won't need to chat to too many mums before they admit anxiety, insomnia, stress and the fact that they too take some form of antidepressant.

I often wonder whether our society has a lot to answer for. Dispersed families, both parents working silly hours, the "have it all" generation. Hmmmm I somehow feel we have so much stress in our modern lives that something has to give. Inevitably it's our mental health. After all, there's only so long you can run on that treadmill and juggle all of those balls and babies before you pop. I'm guilty of it myself. I learned very quickly that success in life wasn't all about achieving, working hard, achieving, working harder and always striving for that perfect life. Except that perfect life, I now realise, is the one we are living now. Not the one that we will get if we clean our houses more, run around in endless circles more, connecting with endless friends on social media more. No this life is happening now. Right now. Stop. Look around you. What do you see? Probably the people that mean the most in the world to you than anything. They're here and needing us in this moment. Just slow down and connect with your children. They won't be little forever but that hoovering will still be there.

If you look closely at us modern mums you will often see wild eyes, sometimes with a little adrenaline tick in the corner. An inability to concentrate or to hold a conversation. Trying our hardest to keep a lid on those bubbling feelings of "if one more thing goes wrong today, I'm really going to lose it". Pick us up and give us a shake and you'll hear the familiar rattle of a bottle of pills. We're popping antidepressants like vitamin tablets. We're at the end of our tethers.

Modern motherhood sucks!! There's too much expected of us. A recent question on a local mums social media page illustrates my point. "How do I get a balance in my life when both of us work full time and we have two small children?" The lady was quite clearly sinking but the answers given didn't acknowledge her subtle cry for help. The answers told her to go faster,do more, schedule, plan, batch cook, lose your mind. Having succumbed to postnatal depression for a number of reasons; social isolation, exhaustion and having very high and unrealistic expectations of myself, I would now give this answer. Modern motherhood is a bitch. But you can chose whether you enter that world with dreams of clean chubby faces, clean ironed linen, meeting every deadline, running around in circles, engaging in every social occasion, cooking healthy meals from scratch every night and killing yourself in the process. The alternative is a messy house, some healthy meals, lots of fun, no unrealistic deadlines and being really gentle and kind to yourself.

This is the time in our lives that we will look back on with the biggest regrets and I guarantee you it won't be about not achieving those standards we set ourselves, it will be because we didn't spend our time with the most precious things in our lives - our children.

Modern motherhood is hard but you can choose how you tackle it.

Rhiannon xx

You are not alone

Tick, tock, tick, tock went that clock. The one above the twins high chairs. It was the third time that day I had wrestled their little plump bodies into those no-nonsense, easy clean Ikea chairs. Here we go again I thought. At least feeding time at the zoo would eat away at some of those very veeeeery looooong minutes. But no. Every time I stared up at that clock no more than 1 minute had passed. When would I next see another adult? I couldn't expect Paul home from work til 8pm and I didn't know anyone else in the village. I'd missed the baby & toddler groups as Twin 1 desperately needed to sleep while Twin 2 desperately wanted to be held. Maybe I would phone mum? Nah best not - it will only worry her and she's too far away to help.

God I feel so alone. I'm constantly in company with the babies but I have never felt so alone. Quick - let's check Facebook. What's everyone up to? Blah Blah Blah all leading happy, normal, non-postnatal depression lives. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I wanted these babies so much. It took so long for them to be made and an eon for them to be here with me. So wanted. So loved. So f****ing needy and not giving me a second to process what is going on in my mind. Why does nobody else feel this way?

Right tomorrow I will.... tomorrow I will really try to get us up and out and meeting people. We need to integrate, get back into society. But nobody knows me and what happens if....? Shit I'm going to have to pretend that I've got it together. Surely nobody would be remotely interested in meeting the new woman in the village with her twins..... Ok well I'll see how we are tomorrow before I decide if WE (I) are up to it...

I met someone. Well I went to the Health Visitor session and I met a few people. They were nice, friendly. I didn't tell them how I was feeling of course. Who would want to know that? We smiled and chatted and talked about bottle or breast, sleep or no sleep - you know the usual. But I'm sure nobody would understand if I truly opened up. They would think I was a freak. No other mums feel like this do they?

Why am I awake? It's 2am and the twins are asleep. I've been up since 6am and not sat down since. Now I'm lying down in this nice comfy bed and the house is quiet. Nobody needs me. Try to relax. Come on try to relax. Just go to sleep. Look the best case scenario at this point is 4 hours sleep. Please just. go. to. sleep. God what's wrong with me? I'm soooooo tired but I'm sooooooo ANGRY!!! Why do I have this problem? I'm so tired of hiding it from some and trying to explain it to others. It's a bloody nightmare.

I went to a baby & toddler group this morning. The twins were in their pjs. Well I couldn't risk trying to get them dressed and then out of the house. They were fed, nappies changed and I couldn't face choosing outfits so I bundled them into the car. I was in my pjs too (under my jumper). I'd nappy wiped my face, scraped my hair back and all I could think of was the promise of tea and toast.... I went!! I met Helen. I really get on well with her. I told her I've been struggling and I think she understands. She hinted she felt similarly. Oh the relief!

I got an email today. It was from the Children's Centre asking if any parents wanted to help set up a support group for people with low mood. I've responded and said yes. Well I need some help don't I and surely I'll get to speak to some people who feel the same way. I would really welcome a proper conversation about how I'm feeling without a "put-on sympathy/judgemental" expression being fired my way.

I think this is going to help me. Don't get me wrong it's going to be hard. I'm not well you see but we have insisted that a Health Visitor comes to all our sessions in case us parents are too poorly to attend. I'm excited. I'm grateful to have a purpose every week. Come on you evil, destructive, isolating depression. Let's be having you!

I talk to everyone about perinatal mental health now. The twins are nearly 4. We are so happy. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days. But they are far fewer than ever before. They scare me as I think I'm going back there again but I don't. I think I must be the village pin up for someone who has had PND but I don't care. I want people to know they are not alone. It's important to me that mums realise it's normal to feel mentally unwell during or after pregnancy. Dads get it too - I didn't know that 4 years ago.

I am so grateful. So grateful to have fought and overcome this miserable, silent, debilitating condition. I have met some of the nicest people ever by having this illness. I count them as friends for life.

You are not alone.

We are here too.

Rhiannon xx

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If you need someone to talk with contact Poynton PANDAS Support Group by emailing psppoynton@aol.co.uk or like our facebook page www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

If we are not close to you, contact PANDAS by visiting http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

The PND after party

"Are you recovered now?" asked a lovely Health Visitor and Trustee yesterday at the PANDAS annual conference. We'd just met and exchanged pleasantries over breakfast. She had said she was really keen to meet me and had been watching "all the great things" I've been doing with the Poynton PANDAS Support Group. "Ummmm yes" I said "I feel much better these days but I still like to use the term in recovery" when it comes to explaining how I am since having had postnatal depression which started 3.5 years ago......

I didn't like to bore her with the details because in my head, she didn't really want to know how I was. Much like the other delegates at the Conference who I barely knew - I'm sure they didn't give a damn if I was there or not. You see this for me is the aftermath of postnatal depression. This is the PND after party in all it's self-doubting, over-analysing, tending towards the negative glory.

"Don't be so hard on yourself" my husband still says on the days and nights that I just can't see past my own weaknesses and and failures. "Just look at the twins. They're brilliant and that's mostly down to you". I believe him. I know he says these words and means them but I just can't accept them. You see the problem is.... the problem is that I must be weak and I must be a failure because I had postnatal depression. I feel that I carry that trophy around with me every day. Screw the kids being happy and healthy, the fun times we have as a family, the fact that I have all I want in the world - I'm a big, fat PND failure.

"I want you to have the flower shaped playdough piece" says Bea as I write this blog post. "Why do you want me to have it?" I ask. Because "you the best mummy" says a beaming 3 year old with pink rosy cheeks. "Hmmmmm I think. I'm alright. But I'm probably a bit shit. Yes I'm definitely a bit shit because I got ill, I lost my job and now the best I can do is to volunteer. What a loser!

I met some lovely people yesterday at the conference. The day wasn't so bad after all! People seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.... or did they?!! There were many moments of pride and relief yesterday as I looked around the room and saw it was full of people who had been poorly with perinatal mental illness. "I feel quite emotional" said one delegate and fellow Support Group Leader. "I've never been with so many people who have had PND and overcome it". The relief on her face was plain to see. At last there was an acceptance in the room as well as a deeper personal acceptance and acknowledgement of the fight we have all fought and overcome.

The highlight for me was meeting author Olivia Siegl of the brilliant blog The Baby Bible - the no bullshit guide to motherhood http://www.the-baby-bible.com/blog/ . I love Olivia's honest, upfront, no bullshit style in her writing and I was moved to see that she is a survivor just like me. Olivia, with all of her successes and followers, stood up to speak to us and spoke candidly about how her self-doubt and low self-esteem had led her to nearly cancel her appearance at the conference. Damn that evil PND but thank goodness I thought. At last I heard someone speak by inner thoughts out load. Even Olivia Siegl doesn't think she's good enough. It's not just me.

So I'm now going to write some new invitations to my next PND afterparty. Self-doubt, low self-worth and self-loathing - you can do one! I am in cohoots with my new army of survivors. They're called "You can do it", "Just give it a go", "Why not?", "Do it now and worry later". These guys are the new in-crowd!!

Lots of love
Rhiannon (PND Survivor) (and proud) xx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9lyzadA870&feature=youtu.be

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If you are struggling with pre or postnatal mental health issues and need some support, please come along to our support group Poynton PANDAS every term-time Monday 10.45-12.15 @ St George's Church Hall, Poynton or email psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

For information on how PANDAS can help you or to find a support group close to you, visit http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Milk allergies, sleep deprivation and the postnatal depression haze

Hi my name is Alyssa and I'm a relatively new Poynton PANDAS Group Member.

My son J is 2 and I am slowly adjusting to life as a mum.  It's not all rainbows and butterflies like some people lead you to believe.  I had a good pregnancy, easy labour, I turned up at hospital fully dilated.  I went on to have the perfect water birth, in fact I would do that again tomorrow.  However it all seemed to go downhill from then.

In all honesty the first few months, if not first year of J's life is a blur to me.  We had feeding problems which resulted in a short hospital stay after J was born.  I ended up having to express and cup feed J for what seemed like forever.  Eventually 2 weeks in I broke down and 'gave in', I started to give J formula.  Now I know what you're thinking. I bet you thought that would be a lot easier.  In J's case though it wasn't as that was the start of our journey, which ended up with him being diagnosed with Cows Milk Protein Allergy.

J spent most of his newborn days crying and sleeping very little.  We put this down to him being a newborn baby, that's what they do isn't it.  However he would cry for a feed, take ages and fuss when feeding.  Then he would be unsettled for ages before finally falling asleep for maybe 20 minutes before the cycle started again.  I lasted 4 weeks before he had a sleepover at grandmas.  I physically couldn't function I was getting barely 3 hours of broken sleep a night.  When he went to stay at my mums I wasn't remotely upset, I didn't miss him.  This then made me feel guilty for not missing him , sounds daft doesnt it.


When J was 4 months old I went to the doctors about him having reflux but I ended up breaking down on the GP.  I got referred for CBT and given Anti Depressents.  At the time I didn't think CBT was that helpful but looking back it has definitely made me question my thoughts and feelings when I am feeling down.  I found the fact I did CBT 1 to 1 and in person was a big help to me rather than an online course.  I ended up stopping my AD's as I ran out and got into the cycle of not being able to go to get another prescription.  At my worst point I was to afraid to go out of the house incase J started crying and people thought I was a bad mum as I couldn't make him stop.  Eventually with the help of others I managed to slowly walk round the block each day and built it up.  Everytime I went out I just secretly hoped that I wouldn't bump into anyone.


When I finally made it back to the GP and started back on the AD's I noticed a massive difference.  I still take them now but that is nothing I am ashamed of.  I am in a much better place now but still have my down episodes but I can notice when it is happening more now. One of the things I find helpful is getting out of the house even when I don't feel like it.  That is where Poynton PANDAS has come in handy.  I also suffer from anxiety and going out and J playing up is part of that worry.  I have been made to feel welcome at the group and have explained to Rhi this problem.  This in itself is half of the problem solved as I know if J does play up they understand.   Most recently with evil teething I have been having a bad time but I made myself go to the Poynton PANDAS group and can safely say that it lifted my mood whilst I was there.

I actually started a blog as a coping mechanism for my PND www.mumtomonster.com  It was a way for me to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head.  It has now turned into an online diary as such and a way to store memories as I cannot remember so much of the first year because of the PND haze.  Depression is nothing to be ashamed about and I have never had a problem opening up about it.  This was one of the things that annoyed me as apparently talking about depression helps you recover, but in my case it didn't.

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If you could do with some understanding company when times are hard, come to Poynton PANDAS weekly drop-in support group.

Every term time Monday 10.45-12.15 at St George's Church Hall, Poynton.

For more information email psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

The fear

fear fɪə/

noun: fear; plural noun: fears

    1.an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

    synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress. 

 

When I got poorly the first and the second time, the thing that drove my illness and fed my illness was fear. My fear would come in the evening and build up to a crescendo of distress by the time it was bed time. Bed time was the thing I dreaded the most. The next morning was my second biggest fear.

In both cases there wasn't really any perceivable threat. There was no bear to fight off during the night and my house wasn't under attack. It just felt scary. Well perhaps not scary but there was a definite overwhelming feeling of dread and foreboding.

The first time round I was poorly and stressed from work. This had led to a feeling of being caught on a hamster wheel where the only possible solution I could find at the time was to go faster. Surely my distress with the constant deadlines and demands of meeting multiple clients' needs would be to multitask more? To do more. Doing more and going faster would get me to that end goal and the world would be a better place. Right? Wrong....

The second time I was poorly the symptoms were identical. The way I reacted to my symptoms was the same too. This time though the clients - a dynamic duo born on a hot sweaty day, were even more demanding than the last lot! These guys didn't know the meaning of clocking off and played me like a fiddle! With each feed taking an hour plus and winding and burping another 20 mins, by the time I had put one down the clock was ticking. I had an hour and a half before twin 1 needed more milk and I hadn't even started on twin 2 yet.  The demands of a busy advertising agency had nothing on these. These clients were the toughest yet and their little cries had a hotline to my heart.

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm

This fear or THE FEAR as I now call it is remarkably clever. It sneaks in when you're at your most vulnerable. For me it never escalated above agitation, insomnia and the odd panic attack. I'm well aware that for some dealing with anxiety, THE FEAR is terrifying. THE FEAR for some is constant, unwielding and very very frightening. Intrusive thoughts, psychosis, paranoia coupled with a foreceful desire for it to end. I know in some ways I got off lightly but it didn't feel like that to me at the time.

THE FEAR unfortunately still lives on in me. It's not always there but can tiptoe up to me and touch tackle me from time to time. It's made a return for a couple of weeks again . It's decided to take up residence in my mind for a short while. I know why it's come back. It's because I took my eye of the ball a bit. I forgot that in order to fight THE FEAR I needed to be fully armed and in cohoots with its arch-enemy Calmness and Confidence. Hey where did you guys go? Oh yes.... you ebbed away when I started doing too much again. I got cocky didn't I and started to juggle too many balls again. Let me slap my wrists.

I need to ensure that I prioritise me as much as I can in a busy household where others' needs seem far more pressing than my own. Cancel those unnecessary engagements, throw away that to-do list, baton down the hatches and let's concentrate on me and my needs for a bit. It's a matter of survival you see. THE FEAR according to a very clever counsellor can be combatted, in my case, by not going into battle with it. By sitting with it and acknowledging it and by being very very kind to myself. Wish me luck. See you on the other side.

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If you need help with dealing with anxiety. please contact:
Poynton PANDAS (pre and postnatal depression and support)

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

Free drop-in group every Monday during term-time
St George's Church Hall, Poynton
10.45-12.15

Dear Sally

Dear Sally

I received a message today. It came from PANDAS Foundation. It said very little. In fact it just had your name, email and telephone number. I was really happy to get your message. I was pleased that you have reached out. My name is Rhiannon. I'm 38 years old and mum to 3.5 year old twins Will & Bea. I run Poynton PANDAS Support Group in Cheshire.

So I wonder what brought you to the point where you sent the request to PANDAS? Are you poorly or are you concerned about someone else? Have you been diagnosed with pre or postnatal illness or do you need a chat about your symptoms?

Let me tell you a bit about me and the group. As I said I'm Rhiannon and I'm a volunteer peer supporter. There are 5 of us all together - well 6 if you count Julia our counsellor - she's fab! We've all suffered from pre or postnatal illness and we're surprised how it has affected us all so differently. You see I didn't get ill until my twins were about 6 months old - it was mostly anxiety and insomnia for me. For our other volunteers it was different. Some were really poorly during pregnancy but much better postnatally and not all of us have suffered with every baby. Anyway I'm digressing..... How are you?

All I know about you so far is that you would like to join our group. I really hope you do. We run a small, welcoming and friendly "baby & toddler" style group. It's free and you can bring your little ones too if you want to. One of the main things we aim to do is provide a weekly, safe place where parents can chat. It can be hard at first for our new members as they often feel so much shame when they first arrive. We can meet you first for a coffee if you would like. We can come down to the carpark and help you walk into group for the first time. Whatever makes you feel comfortable really.

You'll get a brew and biscuits and plenty of time to talk about what's happening with you. You'll hopefully feel a massive sense of relief knowing that you're among people you can be honest with. No more hiding or pretending required with us.

We sometimes have an artist who comes to do arts n crafts with the kids. We sometimes have volunteers who show us how to massage our babies and toddlers but most of all, we just sit, drink tea, play with the kids and chat.

I hope to meet you soon,



Rhiannon.

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Poynton PANDAS - a support group for parents suffering pre and postnatal illness
Every Monday during term-time
10.45-12.15
St George's Church Hall, Poynton

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS