"The Roller Coaster ride of Life". My experience with PND (A dad's perspective)

I’ve been married to my wife since 2009. The marriage was solid and we were financially sound with a nice house in a lovely area. We decided to start a family and after a year of trying Noah was conceived and born in August 2011. My wife had a good pregnancy with no issues or problems throughout.

My wife gave birth naturally and Noah was finally with us, Noah was always active and getting into things, never satisfied in doing one thing - after 5 minutes it was onto the next thing. Noah was very hard work for a first baby and, being first time parents, we were quickly affected by sleep deprivation. My wife was affected more due to trying to breastfeed and Noah never seemed to be full. This had a massive impact on our sleeping patterns.

Over a period of 2 months my wife became affected by constantly being told by the Health Visitor that breast was best and different techniques to try and get Noah to sleep. On a night Noah would be screaming for anything up to 2 hours or more. At that time we had no idea what was wrong or what to do for the best - completely disorientated and having little or no support. Looking back now Noah was just hungry.  After 2 months my wife was worn out and completely demoralised by how Noah was, quite often breaking down in tears or having the whole array of emotions from anger to anxiety through to making sure I did everything the way she wanted, even down to the last details of how to put a nappy on to pushing the push chair (I was very micromanaged).

As a first time dad and having no idea what was going on with my wife, or how best to look after Noah, it was very difficult for me to support my wife with her varying mood swings or erratic interpretations of what people meant when she was spoken to. Sometimes I would be reduced to sitting in a room on my own or going out, even breaking down in tears myself. It’s fair to say it was far from perfect and having to deal with this on a daily basis for almost three years was hard, frustrating and made me feel very low due to my wife's constant fluctuation of moods and arguments, which sometimes, now thinking about it, was not aimed at me.

Having no real constant family support and no one for me to talk to, I had to deal with it myself.

During this time I was back at work and hated going home due to the on-going situation. One night we had a conversation about how to get Noah to sleep and we should try a bottle now as we were coming up to 2 months and nothing was working. The Midwives never really sold the bottle idea to my wife. My advice to anyone is breastfeed for the first 2 weeks and if you're having problems, get the little one on the bottle and give yourself a break.

The first night of trying the bottle, my wife tried to breastfeed first and was falling asleep with Noah in her arms as she was that tired and exhausted. Noah had a good feed of the bottle which he took to really well thankfully. He slept from midnight all the way though to 05:30hrs (Bliss). So this sorted out the sleeping but not the separation issues or how active Noah was - he was tiring to say the least.

After about 3 years it was getting to the point where I was considering leaving my wife but I knew I had to stick with her and Noah. Nothing would be gained from leaving. This is a decision I had to make which meant just weathering the storm however I could. Sometimes it would be to do lots of things around the house, keeping busy and trying to do as much as I could to help my wife without being asked so she felt she did not have to worry so much.

Around the time Noah was aged 1, my wife’s mother was diagnosed with grade 4 tongue and throat cancer, so along with everything else, my wife needed to be supportive of her mum. However once the majority of the chemotherapy had been completed and she had been clear for a good few months, my wife wanted to keep her mum in the loop with the kids and her mum wanted to help her as much as possible. Every so often she offered to look after Noah, at this point 2 years later my wife fell pregnant with our second little boy Daniel (this was planned). For some reason this caused further tension with my wife’s mum and her ability to look after Noah revolving around child care.

This caused a family upset for whatever reason and my wife felt left out and outcast with family members saying she should not have been allowing her mum to look after Noah for a few hours, being calling selfish and thoughtless considering what her mother had just been through.

This sent my wife deeper into very low self-esteem and belief in her ability to be a good mother; feeling she could not turn to anyone for help other than her Aunty who has been a life saver though the young years of both of our little boys. At the time I felt I had to step up and address the situation speaking to her brother and mum to get a feel for what was going on which I think was very unfair and very one sided. I had to be my wife’s rock, offering her stability and control when required and sometimes reason. I tried to give her alternate ways to look at things, basically just being there for her and acting as a sounding board.

On a daily basis my wife would be very sensitive regarding how she was doing and what people thought of her at being a mother. After speaking with the family who offered little support, I contacted the doctor explaining what had been going on repeating to the doctor things my wife was saying e.g. “I’ve survived another day keeping my s*** together”.

My wife visited the doctor after being pregnant for 2 months with Daniel who said she needed to come in and speak to her regarding everything and thought her behaviour and demeanour was not normal and needed to be addressed and nipped in the bud. Luckily I found a doctor I had used before who took a real interest in the person and not just at prescribing medication to get a quick fix to the situation. At the same time my wife said she thought she was suffering from depression. It felt like we had reached a turning point and my wife attended the doctors and was prescribed Citalopram 20mg which was used to level her off. It stated it would take a minimum of 2 weeks to get in her system however I saw a change as soon as she began taking the medication. She was more relaxed, able to process and deal with situations and just take a backseat with things and was able to deal with Noah.

Things were good for a time and Daniel came along and I was better equipped this time around - it was a completely different ball game. Noah was still very hard work but my wife was feeling better. Home life was better however she was still very upset with her family and circumstances, which she still dwells on today and causes her down days.

From then until the current day things have got better but unfortunately my wife had to find her own support due to Doctors even today not being well up on outside agencies who offer support in Mental Health, and me not knowing where to start with the whole support.

My wife managed to speak with a mental health doctor who confirmed that the Citalopram was not doing anything for her and she should seek alternatives like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

My wife felt very unsupported by the local GP which had now changed to locums who just wanted to increase the medication even though the doctor stated it would not help with her sleep or worries.

She was now living in over-drive, thinking she had to do everything and just feeling she was not coping. Again my wife would have bouts of low mood and anxiety. It almost felt like we were back at square one, with me being criticised as to what I was not doing to help out. Again I felt lost!!

Whilst at work my wife looked for alternate medication and found a PANDAS support group which offered an outlet to meet like-minded people and talk about things, getting things off her chest and mind. During this process she was also informed by a family member of a charity called “Mood Swings” based in Manchester City Centre who offered CBT. She attended Mood Swings and was able to talk things through, being offered a different way to look and manage things at home. We also enrolled on a parenting course to better our abilities/tactics to cater for Noah’s behaviour which was still very wild and virtually uncontrollable at times. I remember my wife saying she felt after the meeting at mood swings, someone finally understood her and she wasn’t going crazy. She attended a number of meeting at the charity Mood Swings & PANDAS which are specifically designed to help people with all aspects of Mental Health which was a good thing.

After a while my wife came off the Citalopram and I am pleased to say is now completely free of the medication, however we’ve had a few wobbles along the way and a few further doctors' appointments just to make sure nothing was running away with her again.

With the support of PANDAS, Mood Swings and little from me, she has managed to get back on the level again, however it has been a long and winding road to a working progress recovery.

I think what I have witnessed whilst she has been going through Anxiety/ Depression is just to be there and be a listening ear, and to try to remember a lot is not to do with you as a person. There is a lot of anger, upset and high emotions. Remember to use the doctors and review the internet for alternate support for Mental Health. Mental Health has a massive impact on the home and family life and most of the time it's uncontrolled. My wife a lot of the time did not want to feel the way she did but the low feeling just consumed her. Unless you have a good support network for yourself and the person affected, it can be a very lonely place; having no outlet to talk and download your feelings.

It’s very important for you to keep talking to each other and it is a lot easier said than done to support the person, be ready for being judged and shouted at, even over very minor situations. The main thing to remember for me was to look at the bigger picture and think of your children and repercussions of not being there for your partner. Things do get better but it is always a work in progress and it’s just recognising the signs of Mental Health if there is going to be a relapse.

Most important is just be there to listen and give advice. Believe me there have been many days and nights where you just have to listen and take everything, be ready to dive in and offer stability and plenty of hugs and understanding. It’s a bit like the matrix sometimes with depression; once you recognise the pattern you begin to understand and see what reactions and support you need to give.

For the person who is on the receiving end of depression it is very important you keep level and keep whatever routine, hobbies you have going to give you peace of mind. I know my wife kept telling me to go out with my friends and to keep in touch with people and to look after myself.

I know I’ve said it a lot but if I can do it, anyone can work though depression. It’s not nice and it’s not an easy road but if you stick with it you do start to see more blue sky days where we both enjoy the children and have good times again. We still today have a run of low days followed by not so low days and we just have to go with the flow sometimes.

Finally Noah has come of age at 5 yrs. with having consistency and consequences he has calmed down a lot and now showing his true personality due to his speech coming on leaps and bounds. This too has added stability and calmness to my wife.

PND really does affect and impact on everyone close to the person who is suffering from the illness and has a massive effect on everyone, but you can survive and come through it, just remember to KEEP GOING!!