Melanie's Story

I’m Melanie (on the right of pic), mum to 5 fabulous kids, Imogen, Jessica, Hugh, Henry, and Emilia.

All those very many years ago when I first became a mum, life was simple and good. Yes, there were breast feeding problems, anxieties about how I would look after them, sleep deprivation, etc but on the whole I could cope. Post natal groups and support was plenty, I made good friends, in fact I would say the time with my two little preschool girls was amongst the happiest periods in my life.


Then we moved and within a short time I was pregnant for the third time. I wasn’t near family and friends anymore and when he finally arrived there was no post natal group offered to me, and I began to feel increasingly alone. When I filled in a questionnaire which highlighted to the health visitor that I may have PND I got a phone call asking if I was ok. I lied, not wanting to be a failure and not wanting the stigma of mental illness and that was the end of any support. I suppose they presumed I could cope because I already had two children but the reality was different. My self esteem plummeted as I found it difficult to make friends, I became more isolated and just functioned without enjoying life, even though I had three lovely happy children. 

With nowhere to turn and with no one to talk to things got worse.
 When I became pregnant again I was still suffering from PND and after his birth my self-esteem was so low that I just wanted to disappear. I stopped eating and I did begin to disappear the weight fell off me. At first this made me feel good but I couldn’t look after all my children and not eat. I developed bulimia and this continued for years… Low self esteem led to bingeing, bingeing lead to purging, purging led to self loathing and low self esteem. I was trapped.


Then crisis point came one new year's eve when I wanted to make not existing a reality. I finally realised I needed medical help and set on the long long road to recovery. It was very difficult in truth with good days and black days but I got there, trying many different approaches along the way.


I have since been blessed with Emilia, and as an older, more confident mum it has been much easier.

I have no doubt that with more support in those early days my story would be completely different which is why when approached to help set up Poynton PANDAS I didn’t hesitate. I want other mums to have what I didn’t have, simply someone to talk to, someone who won’t judge and who will understand. It is incredibly important.

If you feel you need support email us at psppoynton@aol.co.uk

Motherhood: Owls and daffodils and my experience of postpartum psychosis

This is my experience of the first year of motherhood. I want to tell the story as I thought it might help me to write things down but I also hope it helps others who may be going through similar things.

I had a very happy childhood, growing up in Birmingham with my Mum, Dad, and two younger brothers. I went away to university at the age of 18 to study Sport Science and went on to further my studies with a Masters degree and a PhD. I became a lecturer and researcher a few years ago, where I have enjoyed teaching and researching about physical activity and health. My Mum passed away whilst I was at university, which to be honest, I will never get over, but I have adjusted to life without her and try to live life to the full. I met my husband at university and we got married a few years ago. We enjoy travelling together and particularly enjoy climbing, cycling and mountain walking together. The decision to have children took us a while, as we were very much career focused and into our outdoor activities, which we knew would have to go on hold for a while! Nevertheless we embraced our pregnancy and were very excited about the times ahead.

My pregnancy was great! I felt healthy and carried on exercising and worked quite late into it. I was a week overdue when I started to show signs of pre-eclampsia, so I was admitted to hospital to be monitored and it was decided that I should be induced. Although it was not quite how I imagined the birth to be, I took it in my stride and was pleased that the baby would be on its way! I developed a temperature and started showing signs of an infection, so I was put on an IV antibiotic drip as a precaution to stop any infection. I went into labour on the Monday evening and started to have contractions throughout the night. To cut a long story short as I’m sure you don’t need to hear about the labour! after 36 hours, it was decided that the induction had failed and the baby was in distress. I had an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic (I couldn’t have a spinal as there was a risk of infection). 

At 6.23 am on the Wednesday 4th March 2015, our baby daughter was born.

I woke up from the general anaesthetic quite confused. This is probably quite normal, but the confusion got worse and was prolonged. I couldn’t work out what had happened to me. I had no concept of time and I couldn’t really work out where our daughter had come from. The doctors reversed the morphine pump (which I had for the pain from the c-section), incase I was reacting badly to it (this didn’t change anything). They did a CT scan on my brain to see if I had had a stroke from the pre-eclampsia (it came back negative). They continued to monitor me. By 6pm that evening we realised that we hadn’t even told anyone that our daughter had been born, as so much had been going on. I started to breastfeed, but my milk hadn’t come in. I didn’t sleep that night, or for the next few nights as time was taken up trying to comfort our new baby daughter and trying to breastfeed, but also for some reason, I just couldn’t sleep. My brain was on overdrive, I was manic. As I was quite ill and the doctors and midwives couldn’t work out what was wrong with me, I stayed on the labour ward and my husband was allowed to stay too (on a camp bed that the kind midwives had made up for him!).

The next few days are a blur. I was still in hospital, but was moved to the postnatal ward. My parents visited, I tried to breastfeed but failed. Our daughter started formula feeding. The midwives took our daughter in the night to give us a break, but I still couldn’t sleep. My husband left on the Saturday night so that he could get some sleep at home. I was awake during the night, and I became increasingly anxious and started to hear babies crying everywhere. I was convinced the midwives were talking about me outside my room, I heard chains being jangled outside my room as if someone was coming to lock me up. I asked one of the midwives what I had done and why people were coming to get me to take me away (they weren’t).

The next morning (Sunday), my husband came back and the midwives told him they were quite concerned about me, that I was very anxious and had been up all night. That morning, I was walking to the toilet across the way from my room and I collapsed. In my medical notes it says that I collapsed for a few minutes and refused to get up. In my mind it was very different…. My husband was asking me ‘why did you do it?’ and I turned round to see the midwives taking our baby daughter away to be resuscitated. I suddenly had a realisation about what I had done – I had killed our baby daughter and I was going to have to face everyone I knew and tell them.

I was lifted onto the bed and I eventually came round. My whole reality and perception of the world had shifted. I thought I was living in an afterlife and was being punished for what I had done to our daughter. My husband and best friend were there with me, but I had this tormenting feeling within me that I was going to have to admit to them what I had done. In reality, our daughter was fine and was being looked after by the midwives whilst all this was going on. Eventually when she came back into the room I didn’t believe she was mine.

I was admitted to a general psychiatric ward after telling a nurse everything that had happened whilst I had collapsed. Our daughter went home with my husband. After a week of monitoring and not believing I was still alive, I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. A rare psychiatric emergency that can happen to anyone after childbirth. The reasons for it are still largely unknown, but can be a combination of a traumatic birth, lack of sleep, influx of hormones related to childbirth and underlying psychological issues, although it can happen to anyone with no previous history of mental health issues.

Again the rest of things are a bit of a blur, I was discharged from the psychiatric unit and monitored at home. I still believed that I was living in an afterlife, and my friends and family became stranger like. I was prescribed anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medication. My husband took time off work to look after our daughter and me. Day to day life was spent going through the motions of feeding and nappy changing, together with appointments with mental health teams, health visitors, GPs and clinical psychologists. I had delusions, I was paranoid, and I still didn’t believe I was ill. I just couldn’t make sense of the world. Certain things were very loud and in my face. The clock in our kitchen was so loud I had to take the batteries out. Birds and animals were so loud they were almost in my head. Owls and daffodils seemed to pop up everywhere! They stood out to me, almost jumped out at me and I found hidden meanings in all of these. In reality however, owls were becoming very fashionable and were on everything from socks to pencil cases and it was St Davids day in Wales where I live, so the daffodils just happened to be out in bloom! I felt as though everything was being controlled by a higher being and that something or someone was tormenting me (I have no idea who, as I am not a religious person).

Eventually I started to come round to the idea that I might be ill. But I started thinking that there was no way I was going to get better and I just couldn’t see a way out. I began to get very depressed. My mood was very low and I couldn’t see how I could get out of the mess I was in. I had intrusive thoughts about our daughter. I didn’t want to harm her, but I was scared I was going to, almost a panic and fear that I was going to do something to her. I guess this was all related to the psychotic episode that I had in hospital, I was scared that I could have another episode and what was to stop me from harming her?  I had no positive feelings towards my daughter or husband, or for anyone else for that matter and I just thought things would be better if I wasn’t here. I had no control over my thoughts. I would constantly flit between needing to get better, but not knowing how, to getting images of how I could end things. I was in a very dark place. I refused to go back into the general psychiatric ward as I was so scared of it, so I was monitored every day at home and was not allowed to be by myself. My diagnosis changed slightly to ‘severe depression with psychotic symptoms’.

Things got so bad that my husband was forced to push for more treatment. In December 2015 I started electro-convulsive therapy. I had 10 sessions. I’m not really sure how it works, but I think it kick starts the brain into working again. It is quite drastic and used as a last resort and something that was under debate a lot between my psychiatrist and my husband for quite a while. It is not something to enter lightly. It was horrible and something I never want to go through again, but it quite literally saved my life. I finished treatment mid-January 2016.

I am not psychotic anymore, but I am still recovering from the shock and realisation about what happened. My memory of the last year is so poor that I have to be constantly reminded of situations by family and friends. I see a clinical psychologist who is helping me with all this and also with my lack of feelings towards my daughter. I am so much better than I was, but it is something that will shadow the first few years of my daughter’s life. It was certainly not the happy time I thought having a child would be. I feel sad and grieve for the lost times with my daughter. However, I sometimes can’t believe how much better I feel and I get excited by the fact that I can feel excited about things! I am beginning to get some special moments with my daughter where I feel love towards her and I hang on to these knowing that there will be more to come. I have learned quite a few things over the last year…. Becoming mentally ill can happen to anyone and it is such a dark and lonely place. It is so hard to describe to someone just what you are going through and without sounding patronising, I don’t think people can really understand unless they have been through it themselves. I have also learned that I have an amazing network of family and friends, my husband is my rock, I am pretty strong, and life’s too short!

Today our baby daughter, who we named Ella Jo, is nearly 16 months old! Not that I am biased or anything, but she really is the cutest thing I have ever seen….!

Thank-you Rhiannon (Poynton PANDAS) for being there when I needed some support and for giving me the opportunity to share my story.

Sally

High achieving super mother syndrome

When I finally "came out" I remember well the looks of shock and disbelief. Surely you haven't got postnatal depression said the looks. I could almost imagine the conversations at the toddler groups - "Rhiannon?" "nah she's fine. Isn't she?" "She seems to juggle those twins like a pro-mother". 

I was wiping tears and snot, cleaning bums and faces and seeing danger in two corners of the room before it's even happened. I was flying round the place and quickly prioritising who to respond to first; a ninja mother with a samurai and a dagger. I knew I looked like I had it all figured out. I quite liked that. I quite liked that I looked at ease, confident and composed. But those 2 hours at the toddler group - that pretence would leave me absolutely exhausted. If you spent any more than 2 hours with me, you would see that mask begin to slip. There would be a raised voice or rather a shrill scream (from me not them). I would suddenly lose my shit if things weren't going to plan at home. I hate the memories of me absolutely screaming at them. Awful awful awful. Sorry babies :-(

So to combat the crazy mother I was beginning to become at home. I wouldn't spend time at home. I was scared what I might do at home. We would be up and out with our bags packed, 4 changes of clothes, 4 bottles with cooled boiled water and carefully measured formula, 8 nappies (just in case), snacks a plenty, an itinerary that had been researched the night before. We knew where we were going and who we would be seeing. We would be seeing mummies and babies for most of the day and if they were having a well earned rest, we would pull over on the side of the road for our naps. No rest for the wicked or rather no rest for the hyped up, anti depressant fuelled, manic mother. Chop chop and off we go....

When I was home and doing the bedtime routine alone (again), my mask would again start to slip. Bathing two babies, giving them milk, trying to settle them. Singing my 20 lullabies on repeat. You may well have heard my voice crack if you were there. It would crack from utter exhaustion and sometimes no sound would come out as I had nothing left to give.

I would go to bed and begin the worry. I would plan the next day down to the minutest detail,  I would analyse every conversation I had had that day. I would not sleep that night but we would be up and out with the changing bag full to bursting the following day. I was a mother fearful of stopping. What would happen if I stopped? If I stopped, I would just give up. I would curl into a ball and give up.

So this was my version of postnatal depression. My version of postnatal depression could easily have been mistaken for high achieving super mother syndrome. Is there such a thing? If not there should be.

It seems I wasn't alone in this state. All over the UK at the same time as me and right this moment mums are powering on and dying inside.

"When visitors came and then as they were leaving I would get upset as I felt for the short time they were there life was fairly 'normal'." TM

"I used to go into the shower to disguise the noise of me sobbing" AB

" I would keep my phone on silent so I could screen calls/texts. With my 2nd I joined the world of Facebook so it could be my "normal" mask to hide behind my posted perfect family life. More often than not the posted photo would be the minutest time that there was a moment of joy in my sadness". CA

"I kept trying to start "projects"; businesses, new hobbies, diets. I was desperate to have something that made me more than "just a Mum". I was obsessive about it, which highlighted my irritation with everything that my baby did (crying, needing attention, food). I felt like she was holding me back. Feels awful to say now, but I felt so angry with her at the time". CJ

"I was stupidly busy; always going to play groups or doing a project at home - never sitting still so that people couldn't see that I couldn't relax and be happy". HS

" I would hide behind 'problems'. I had postnatal anxiety with my second and would obsess over everything. He had colic, silent reflux, tongue tie, problems feeding, prolonged jaundice, etc..and I would hide behind 'his symptoms' but really I felt broken and useless inside. If I focused on the physical symptoms it meant they could be fixed and I didn't have to tell anyone what was really going on inside me head". NH

"I would have anger outbursts and sleep a lot,. I complained of being tired a lot and was short with people and generally agitated". KP

"Other than feeding I'd pass her to anyone who was around, on the guise of them getting a cuddle (only family friends etc but still, hate to think of it now)." SV

"I was always snappy and irritable which I think is so easy to brush off". RB

"I didn't want anyone to hold her as she might cry and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. More often than not she would cry when others held her so I would rather avoid it." CA

"I baked constantly. massive diversion! And was incredibly OCD as a way to control everything." HT

So - mums, friends, family, GPs, Health Visitors and Midwives - next time you're talking to a mum who looks like she has it down. Next time you're wondering how she does it as she's always busy busy and flying about. Look for the subtle signs. Ask how she is. She might just tell you the truth.

Rhiannon x

The PND Rat

The PND rat was a baddie
The PND rat was a beast
He took what he wanted and ate what he took
His life was one long feast
His teeth were sharp and yellow
His manners were rough and rude
And the PND rat went riding - riding - riding
Riding into motherhood
And stealing a mother's good mood

A new mum came walking a long the road
Then stopped with her hands in the air,
For blocking her way was the PND Rat,
Who cried out, "Who goes there?"

"Give me your smiles and joy!
Your happiness you'll have to fake
For I am the Rat of PND
and whatever I want I take!"

"I have no joy" the new mum replied
"I just have this motherhood book"
The PND rat gave a scornful look
but he ordered "Hand it over"

"This book is bound to be useless.
This book is dull as can be,
But I am the Rat of PND
and this book belongs to me!"

A dad came bounding along the road
then stopped with a shake and a shiver,
For reining his horse was the PND Rat,
who thundered "Stand and deliver"!

"Give me your hopes and dreams.
Here are some horrid nightmares.
For I am the Rat of PND
and sometimes I like to share"

"I have no dreams" the dad replied
"I was told to hand them over
to another Rat who looks like you.
I feel my life is over"

The robber snatched the last dream and snarled
"I'll have no ifs or buts.
These dreams are probably rubbish.
These dreams are as crap as can be.
But I am the Rat of PND
and these dreams belong to me."

A gang of mummies came down the road
All pushing a gleaming pram
In their way was the PND Rat who gave one a high impact ram
"You! Why are you with people?
You're as shit as can be.
For I am the Rat of PND
and your confidence belongs to me!"

"Leave her alone" one mummy replied.
"Don't give her anymore grief."
"It's ok" said PND mum
"I give in. You happiness thief".

With never a please or a thank you,
The Rat carried on in this way.
Took sleep from one mum!
Gave fear to the next!
Saying "it's not okay
to talk about this to anyone"
"Just put up and shut up you see?"

A GP came waddling down the road
Then stopped with a "How do you do?"
"I see you have nothing" the Rat complained....
"Just a waiting list for CBT"
"By the time that wait is over..
your patient will belong to me"

"Hang on" quacked the doc, "for I have a prescription"...."goodies you might prefer"
"This piece of paper will lead you to light."
"At least I hope it's a cure."
"For I have no time to speak to you.
Ten minutes will have to do.
So please take this paper and cash it in.
I think you'll like them I do".

Off went the vermin
Prescription in hand
to a late night pharmacy
"I'll have as many as you've got
These goodies belong to me!"

The Rat found himself by a lonely cave
And the doctor gave him a shove
"In you go. You PND"
"I hope that you find love"

"What a strange thing to say" said PND
"I'll find no love in there"
"For it's dark and black"
" And nobody knows what's going on for me"

But after a week or maybe two
A light began to flicker
Far away it was at first
And then came into view

Holding the light was a dear friend
With a gentle smile on her face
"I know how you feel" said little mouse
"I've also fallen from grace".

"I had a litter of mouselings."
"All teeny and wonderfully cute".
"But then came a haze. A terrible phase"
"And now I think I'm a brute"

"I'm the worse mummy ever."
"I'm as shit as can be."
"I'm just not worth loving."
"Cos PND happened to me".

PND felt dreadful
"I'm sorry I was such a rat"
"I was just wanted some of that love and then I grew horribly fat"
"Mummy love is so strong. I wanted some you see.
"But I took too much . I ruined them"
"And now I know. I see"

"I'll give it back. That love I took"
"I'll give it back to those
who want to love their little ones and kiss their tiny toes.
"But first they need to love themselves.
"I'll give them back their courage."
"To fight this illness once and for all."
"I want to see them flourish".

One by one the mums and dads
saw it wasn't their fault
For PND rat was a horrible "t**t"
and they put it in a vault

Some days were a battle
PND wanted out you see
But the mums and dads fought on and on
And one day they were free

Free from guilt and loathing
Free from low self-worth
For the thing that was lost
Was love for themselves
But it grew back slowly.



Based on the story The Highway Rat by Julia Donaldson. Illustrated by Axel Scheffler.


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If you need help with pre or postnatal illness, come along to our weekly drop in group which starts again on Mon 7th Sept 10.45-12.15 at St George's Church, Poynton.

Email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

Meet our Volunteer Peer Supporter - Charlotte

My name is Charlotte Humphreys, I am 24 and mummy to 2 children.

I have been studying for the past 12 months, and will do for the next 12 in order to make it onto the Midwifery programme where it will lead me to a career I am passionate about and will ultimately love.

In between studies I love to spend quality time with my children, together and separately. On the odd occasion I see have time without my children, I love and appreciate "me time" where I catch up with close friends, have dinner out, go to the cinema or even just paint my nails!

I discovered PANDAS whilst looking into areas I could study to help with my future education, training and personal support I provide to close friends.

Perinatal Mental Health has been an issue close to my heart after suffering Prenatal Depression with my first child and Postnatal Depression with my second. Originally with Prenatal Depression I didn't even realise what was wrong. It never occurred that my tearfulness, low energy, constant sleeping, feeling of "alienation", wanting to hide my baby bump and not wanting others to talk about my baby was actually my state of mind. I didn't have the confidence to even speak to my Midwife at my antenatal appointment!

Postnatal Depression didn't occur until my second child was 15 months old, again never realising that it could occur so long after birth! I didn't know of anyone to talk to so I immediately went to the doctors and expressed my concerns of feeling as though I wanted to run away from my family, never feeling adequate or I was doing things right. I felt all the struggles that come with being a mum was personal, a target just for me, not something that is shared by every parent at some stage!

I am here to provide support, understanding and a friendly hug; things I didn't feel I had when I was unwell. If I'd found a peer support group like PANDAS, I might have felt I had more options than going on medication straight away.

I want to be able to give the opportunity for anyone experiencing similar situations to myself or the other PANDAS Peer Supporters, to feel at ease, and free from judgement. I want them to seek advice and feel relief from the strain of this illness which I didn't have outside of my family.

Charlotte xx

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If you could do with someone to talk with about pre or postnatal mental health, come along to our weekly drop in group which starts again on Monday 7th September at St George's Church, Poynton 10.45-12.15. Children are very welcome. It's a free, no pressure, supportive environment.

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

Modern motherhood is a bitch

With recent figures suggesting that 1 in 7 mothers have some form of mental health problem following the birth of their child, and a Guardian article from 2014 showing a rise in doctors prescribing antidepressants, particularly among women, I wonder what has gone wrong? These days it seems that modern motherhood is so challenging that you won't need to chat to too many mums before they admit anxiety, insomnia, stress and the fact that they too take some form of antidepressant.

I often wonder whether our society has a lot to answer for. Dispersed families, both parents working silly hours, the "have it all" generation. Hmmmm I somehow feel we have so much stress in our modern lives that something has to give. Inevitably it's our mental health. After all, there's only so long you can run on that treadmill and juggle all of those balls and babies before you pop. I'm guilty of it myself. I learned very quickly that success in life wasn't all about achieving, working hard, achieving, working harder and always striving for that perfect life. Except that perfect life, I now realise, is the one we are living now. Not the one that we will get if we clean our houses more, run around in endless circles more, connecting with endless friends on social media more. No this life is happening now. Right now. Stop. Look around you. What do you see? Probably the people that mean the most in the world to you than anything. They're here and needing us in this moment. Just slow down and connect with your children. They won't be little forever but that hoovering will still be there.

If you look closely at us modern mums you will often see wild eyes, sometimes with a little adrenaline tick in the corner. An inability to concentrate or to hold a conversation. Trying our hardest to keep a lid on those bubbling feelings of "if one more thing goes wrong today, I'm really going to lose it". Pick us up and give us a shake and you'll hear the familiar rattle of a bottle of pills. We're popping antidepressants like vitamin tablets. We're at the end of our tethers.

Modern motherhood sucks!! There's too much expected of us. A recent question on a local mums social media page illustrates my point. "How do I get a balance in my life when both of us work full time and we have two small children?" The lady was quite clearly sinking but the answers given didn't acknowledge her subtle cry for help. The answers told her to go faster,do more, schedule, plan, batch cook, lose your mind. Having succumbed to postnatal depression for a number of reasons; social isolation, exhaustion and having very high and unrealistic expectations of myself, I would now give this answer. Modern motherhood is a bitch. But you can chose whether you enter that world with dreams of clean chubby faces, clean ironed linen, meeting every deadline, running around in circles, engaging in every social occasion, cooking healthy meals from scratch every night and killing yourself in the process. The alternative is a messy house, some healthy meals, lots of fun, no unrealistic deadlines and being really gentle and kind to yourself.

This is the time in our lives that we will look back on with the biggest regrets and I guarantee you it won't be about not achieving those standards we set ourselves, it will be because we didn't spend our time with the most precious things in our lives - our children.

Modern motherhood is hard but you can choose how you tackle it.

Rhiannon xx

You are not alone

Tick, tock, tick, tock went that clock. The one above the twins high chairs. It was the third time that day I had wrestled their little plump bodies into those no-nonsense, easy clean Ikea chairs. Here we go again I thought. At least feeding time at the zoo would eat away at some of those very veeeeery looooong minutes. But no. Every time I stared up at that clock no more than 1 minute had passed. When would I next see another adult? I couldn't expect Paul home from work til 8pm and I didn't know anyone else in the village. I'd missed the baby & toddler groups as Twin 1 desperately needed to sleep while Twin 2 desperately wanted to be held. Maybe I would phone mum? Nah best not - it will only worry her and she's too far away to help.

God I feel so alone. I'm constantly in company with the babies but I have never felt so alone. Quick - let's check Facebook. What's everyone up to? Blah Blah Blah all leading happy, normal, non-postnatal depression lives. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I wanted these babies so much. It took so long for them to be made and an eon for them to be here with me. So wanted. So loved. So f****ing needy and not giving me a second to process what is going on in my mind. Why does nobody else feel this way?

Right tomorrow I will.... tomorrow I will really try to get us up and out and meeting people. We need to integrate, get back into society. But nobody knows me and what happens if....? Shit I'm going to have to pretend that I've got it together. Surely nobody would be remotely interested in meeting the new woman in the village with her twins..... Ok well I'll see how we are tomorrow before I decide if WE (I) are up to it...

I met someone. Well I went to the Health Visitor session and I met a few people. They were nice, friendly. I didn't tell them how I was feeling of course. Who would want to know that? We smiled and chatted and talked about bottle or breast, sleep or no sleep - you know the usual. But I'm sure nobody would understand if I truly opened up. They would think I was a freak. No other mums feel like this do they?

Why am I awake? It's 2am and the twins are asleep. I've been up since 6am and not sat down since. Now I'm lying down in this nice comfy bed and the house is quiet. Nobody needs me. Try to relax. Come on try to relax. Just go to sleep. Look the best case scenario at this point is 4 hours sleep. Please just. go. to. sleep. God what's wrong with me? I'm soooooo tired but I'm sooooooo ANGRY!!! Why do I have this problem? I'm so tired of hiding it from some and trying to explain it to others. It's a bloody nightmare.

I went to a baby & toddler group this morning. The twins were in their pjs. Well I couldn't risk trying to get them dressed and then out of the house. They were fed, nappies changed and I couldn't face choosing outfits so I bundled them into the car. I was in my pjs too (under my jumper). I'd nappy wiped my face, scraped my hair back and all I could think of was the promise of tea and toast.... I went!! I met Helen. I really get on well with her. I told her I've been struggling and I think she understands. She hinted she felt similarly. Oh the relief!

I got an email today. It was from the Children's Centre asking if any parents wanted to help set up a support group for people with low mood. I've responded and said yes. Well I need some help don't I and surely I'll get to speak to some people who feel the same way. I would really welcome a proper conversation about how I'm feeling without a "put-on sympathy/judgemental" expression being fired my way.

I think this is going to help me. Don't get me wrong it's going to be hard. I'm not well you see but we have insisted that a Health Visitor comes to all our sessions in case us parents are too poorly to attend. I'm excited. I'm grateful to have a purpose every week. Come on you evil, destructive, isolating depression. Let's be having you!

I talk to everyone about perinatal mental health now. The twins are nearly 4. We are so happy. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days. But they are far fewer than ever before. They scare me as I think I'm going back there again but I don't. I think I must be the village pin up for someone who has had PND but I don't care. I want people to know they are not alone. It's important to me that mums realise it's normal to feel mentally unwell during or after pregnancy. Dads get it too - I didn't know that 4 years ago.

I am so grateful. So grateful to have fought and overcome this miserable, silent, debilitating condition. I have met some of the nicest people ever by having this illness. I count them as friends for life.

You are not alone.

We are here too.

Rhiannon xx

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If you need someone to talk with contact Poynton PANDAS Support Group by emailing psppoynton@aol.co.uk or like our facebook page www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

If we are not close to you, contact PANDAS by visiting http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/