You are not alone

Tick, tock, tick, tock went that clock. The one above the twins high chairs. It was the third time that day I had wrestled their little plump bodies into those no-nonsense, easy clean Ikea chairs. Here we go again I thought. At least feeding time at the zoo would eat away at some of those very veeeeery looooong minutes. But no. Every time I stared up at that clock no more than 1 minute had passed. When would I next see another adult? I couldn't expect Paul home from work til 8pm and I didn't know anyone else in the village. I'd missed the baby & toddler groups as Twin 1 desperately needed to sleep while Twin 2 desperately wanted to be held. Maybe I would phone mum? Nah best not - it will only worry her and she's too far away to help.

God I feel so alone. I'm constantly in company with the babies but I have never felt so alone. Quick - let's check Facebook. What's everyone up to? Blah Blah Blah all leading happy, normal, non-postnatal depression lives. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I wanted these babies so much. It took so long for them to be made and an eon for them to be here with me. So wanted. So loved. So f****ing needy and not giving me a second to process what is going on in my mind. Why does nobody else feel this way?

Right tomorrow I will.... tomorrow I will really try to get us up and out and meeting people. We need to integrate, get back into society. But nobody knows me and what happens if....? Shit I'm going to have to pretend that I've got it together. Surely nobody would be remotely interested in meeting the new woman in the village with her twins..... Ok well I'll see how we are tomorrow before I decide if WE (I) are up to it...

I met someone. Well I went to the Health Visitor session and I met a few people. They were nice, friendly. I didn't tell them how I was feeling of course. Who would want to know that? We smiled and chatted and talked about bottle or breast, sleep or no sleep - you know the usual. But I'm sure nobody would understand if I truly opened up. They would think I was a freak. No other mums feel like this do they?

Why am I awake? It's 2am and the twins are asleep. I've been up since 6am and not sat down since. Now I'm lying down in this nice comfy bed and the house is quiet. Nobody needs me. Try to relax. Come on try to relax. Just go to sleep. Look the best case scenario at this point is 4 hours sleep. Please just. go. to. sleep. God what's wrong with me? I'm soooooo tired but I'm sooooooo ANGRY!!! Why do I have this problem? I'm so tired of hiding it from some and trying to explain it to others. It's a bloody nightmare.

I went to a baby & toddler group this morning. The twins were in their pjs. Well I couldn't risk trying to get them dressed and then out of the house. They were fed, nappies changed and I couldn't face choosing outfits so I bundled them into the car. I was in my pjs too (under my jumper). I'd nappy wiped my face, scraped my hair back and all I could think of was the promise of tea and toast.... I went!! I met Helen. I really get on well with her. I told her I've been struggling and I think she understands. She hinted she felt similarly. Oh the relief!

I got an email today. It was from the Children's Centre asking if any parents wanted to help set up a support group for people with low mood. I've responded and said yes. Well I need some help don't I and surely I'll get to speak to some people who feel the same way. I would really welcome a proper conversation about how I'm feeling without a "put-on sympathy/judgemental" expression being fired my way.

I think this is going to help me. Don't get me wrong it's going to be hard. I'm not well you see but we have insisted that a Health Visitor comes to all our sessions in case us parents are too poorly to attend. I'm excited. I'm grateful to have a purpose every week. Come on you evil, destructive, isolating depression. Let's be having you!

I talk to everyone about perinatal mental health now. The twins are nearly 4. We are so happy. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days. But they are far fewer than ever before. They scare me as I think I'm going back there again but I don't. I think I must be the village pin up for someone who has had PND but I don't care. I want people to know they are not alone. It's important to me that mums realise it's normal to feel mentally unwell during or after pregnancy. Dads get it too - I didn't know that 4 years ago.

I am so grateful. So grateful to have fought and overcome this miserable, silent, debilitating condition. I have met some of the nicest people ever by having this illness. I count them as friends for life.

You are not alone.

We are here too.

Rhiannon xx

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If you need someone to talk with contact Poynton PANDAS Support Group by emailing psppoynton@aol.co.uk or like our facebook page www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

If we are not close to you, contact PANDAS by visiting http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

The PND after party

"Are you recovered now?" asked a lovely Health Visitor and Trustee yesterday at the PANDAS annual conference. We'd just met and exchanged pleasantries over breakfast. She had said she was really keen to meet me and had been watching "all the great things" I've been doing with the Poynton PANDAS Support Group. "Ummmm yes" I said "I feel much better these days but I still like to use the term in recovery" when it comes to explaining how I am since having had postnatal depression which started 3.5 years ago......

I didn't like to bore her with the details because in my head, she didn't really want to know how I was. Much like the other delegates at the Conference who I barely knew - I'm sure they didn't give a damn if I was there or not. You see this for me is the aftermath of postnatal depression. This is the PND after party in all it's self-doubting, over-analysing, tending towards the negative glory.

"Don't be so hard on yourself" my husband still says on the days and nights that I just can't see past my own weaknesses and and failures. "Just look at the twins. They're brilliant and that's mostly down to you". I believe him. I know he says these words and means them but I just can't accept them. You see the problem is.... the problem is that I must be weak and I must be a failure because I had postnatal depression. I feel that I carry that trophy around with me every day. Screw the kids being happy and healthy, the fun times we have as a family, the fact that I have all I want in the world - I'm a big, fat PND failure.

"I want you to have the flower shaped playdough piece" says Bea as I write this blog post. "Why do you want me to have it?" I ask. Because "you the best mummy" says a beaming 3 year old with pink rosy cheeks. "Hmmmmm I think. I'm alright. But I'm probably a bit shit. Yes I'm definitely a bit shit because I got ill, I lost my job and now the best I can do is to volunteer. What a loser!

I met some lovely people yesterday at the conference. The day wasn't so bad after all! People seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.... or did they?!! There were many moments of pride and relief yesterday as I looked around the room and saw it was full of people who had been poorly with perinatal mental illness. "I feel quite emotional" said one delegate and fellow Support Group Leader. "I've never been with so many people who have had PND and overcome it". The relief on her face was plain to see. At last there was an acceptance in the room as well as a deeper personal acceptance and acknowledgement of the fight we have all fought and overcome.

The highlight for me was meeting author Olivia Siegl of the brilliant blog The Baby Bible - the no bullshit guide to motherhood http://www.the-baby-bible.com/blog/ . I love Olivia's honest, upfront, no bullshit style in her writing and I was moved to see that she is a survivor just like me. Olivia, with all of her successes and followers, stood up to speak to us and spoke candidly about how her self-doubt and low self-esteem had led her to nearly cancel her appearance at the conference. Damn that evil PND but thank goodness I thought. At last I heard someone speak by inner thoughts out load. Even Olivia Siegl doesn't think she's good enough. It's not just me.

So I'm now going to write some new invitations to my next PND afterparty. Self-doubt, low self-worth and self-loathing - you can do one! I am in cohoots with my new army of survivors. They're called "You can do it", "Just give it a go", "Why not?", "Do it now and worry later". These guys are the new in-crowd!!

Lots of love
Rhiannon (PND Survivor) (and proud) xx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9lyzadA870&feature=youtu.be

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If you are struggling with pre or postnatal mental health issues and need some support, please come along to our support group Poynton PANDAS every term-time Monday 10.45-12.15 @ St George's Church Hall, Poynton or email psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

For information on how PANDAS can help you or to find a support group close to you, visit http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/