My anxiety started soon after I knew I was pregnant.

It started out with normal worries about making sure I was eating the right things, and most significantly, not eating the wrong things. The anxiety slowly increased and soon worries about what I was eating, or had touched and then put my hand near my mouth turned into catastrophising and at times, overwhelming panic. I even convinced my doctor that I needed to be tested for listeria having touched something that hypothetically could have carried the bacteria – despite washing my hands repeatedly afterwards. 

Strangely, despite bursting into tears at my initial midwife appointment and scoring low and therefore triggering at risk for PND on their questionnaire, it was never discussed again, and I kept it all to myself (and my ever patient, not knowing how to handle me mid-panic husband!) I didn’t necessarily recognise how anxious I was at the time, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. Looking back, the anxiety affected my coping with stress outside of the pregnancy too and I ended up leaving work early and getting a very stress free temp job instead in my final months. 

Unfortunately during my son’s birth, I was failed by my midwife, putting my son at risk, and resulting in me ending up in theatre. I felt real anger at the experience and mainly at myself for not feeling strong enough to trust in my own body over someone else’s opinion on the telephone. However, following the birth, all went ok. I was feeding alright, me and my husband were doing our best. We were abroad and had no family support but I felt very supported by him. 

The nature of my anxiety changed when my son was born. Soon I found myself panicking over germs and the cleanliness of everything he came into contact with. When my in-laws visited I later found out they spoke to my husband as they were concerned about me, but the anxiety was never really openly recognised above that. It was just something I muddled along with, managing ‘risk’ where I saw it and hiding it the best I could. In time, my anxiety reduced and I became self-aware regarding the anxiety, feeling strong enough to challenge it myself when it occurred. 

About 4 months into my second pregnancy, I found the prenatal anxiety returning again, and it was beginning to affect what I would do with my son. I made the decision to self refer to a local charity, and took part in a four session group CBT class. I was educated on the principles of CBT and sent off home to complete the homework and manage my thoughts and feelings. With the self awareness I had gained and the insight of being able to look back at my previous experience, I was able to challenge my thoughts and self manage – although the anxiety was very much still present! I still catastrophised at times, I just felt more in control in general. Thankfully I then had a very positive birth experience where I listened to my own body and trusted in myself. I did not go on to experience any post-natal anxiety or depression second time around.

If you'd like to talk about anxiety during or after pregnancy contact us at Poynton PANDAS by emailing: psppoynton@aol.co.uk or by visiting our Facebook Page www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

My hopes for parents of the future #hopedec09

As I travel to the Houses of Parliament by train from Stockport to take part in the #HopeDec09 debate on perinatal mental health, I reflect on my own experience of postnatal anxiety and depression and the hopes I have for 2017 and beyond for all families of young children and expectant parents.

After nearly 10 years of on/off mental health issues, I have just turned 40 and I finally feel well. My 30s saw me diagnosed with burnout and signed off sick for 6 months, 4 years of infertility treatment resulting in IVF when my twins were conceived and then pre and postnatal anxiety and later on postnatal depression. I'm quite thankful to see the back of my 30s which were blighted by mental health and the constant struggle of trying to get the support I needed to recover.

Today while listening to many esteemed colleagues and speakers from the world of Perinatal Mental Health, I have reflected on my own experiences of care and think about my hopes for the next few years. I feel the time is now and that perinatal mental health is higher up on the agendas of maternity services, primary care and commissioners than ever before. I hope that the experiences I went through with struggling to access support will improve over the coming years as more money starts to come in to the systems.

Having gone through the pain of infertility and the emotional and physical pain of multiple operations and IVF, I finally conceived my twins. Whilst I was overjoyed at my pregnancy, I was given some scary statistics about the likelihood of my twins making it into the world. I went on to develop pre-natal anxiety and suffered many panic attacks from 28 weeks up until the night before my induction. I was to undergo a birth that was entirely out of my control. Twin pregnancy = consultant-led = no choices. I therefore didn't prepare a birth plan as I really didn't feel that my wishes would have been honoured. Other people were now in charge of my body and babies. 

I don't recall ever been asked about my emotional/mental health during pregnancy, birth or afterwards. The first time I was asked how I was feeling was 9 months after the twins were born by a HV. I filled in the required Edinburgh Postnatal Depression questionnaire and scored high for anxiety and moderate for depression. By this point, I knew I  had it before the questionnaire confirmed it but was hopeful I could fight the demons myself. But I  couldn't. .... No questions or support  we're offered until I went to the GP when the twins were nearly one. By this point I had lost my job due to PND and was really struggling with anxiety and depression. My illness was  now having an impact at home and my husband was struggling to hold down a very demanding full time job and look after the 3 of us. We were lost and scared and had no idea what to do. I was on medication now and was hoping that would be the answer but with very little sleep and no support, our lives were starting to fall apart. I knew nobody with this illness. I was socially isolated and alone.

It was shortly before the twins turned one when I  opened an email from the local  children's centre. They are asking for parent volunteers to come forward to begin a peer support group for parents with low mood and depression.  GPs in the area were seeing an increase in diagnoses and felt more support was needed. I went for  it and started up a peer support group called  Parents Supporting Parents over 4 years ago. This was the beginning of my recovery. It gave me a purpose outside of being a mum and I  began to meet like-minded people who were going through similar things. 

4.5 years on, the mothers we see are still struggling with the same things and with a healthcare system which doesn't  see the importance of a mother's mental and physical health. Today we heard from Dr Alain Gregoire and many others who painted a grimm picture of the importance maternity services place on mental health. Midwives are focused mainly on the physical health of mums and babies. Continuity of care is still not in place for many mums and this was my experience. I saw multiple midwives and consultants and didn't form a relationship with any of them. I was never asked how I was feeling.  I would have readily opened up had that question been asked. We have mums that come to our support group (now Poynton PANDAS) who struggle to get a booking in appointment with their midwife and don't have a Health Visitor. 

My hopes for #HopeDec09 are to put the basics in place.

#1 During booking in appointments ask questions to establish if baby was conceived through fertility treatment. IVF and infertility treatment should be a warning sign that parents have been through the mill and will need extra emotional support

#2 Ask about history of mental health of both partners at the booking in appointment

#3 Find out if the parent/s have social support networks.  Social isolation is a major contributor to perinatal mental health 

#4 Ask how the parents are feeling at EVERY pre and postnatal appointment 

#5 Allow a woman to be in control of her body and her birth. Give choice.

#6 Pathways need to be developed to incorporate the 3rd sector. The benefits of peer support are significant and should be offered as part of a recovery plan.

#7 Allow midwives and health visitors to build a relationship with their patients. Continuity of care is critical to parents opening up about their mental health

#8 Every parent to be able to access a GP, Health Visitor and the same Midwife.

Thank you Raja for organising such an interesting day and stimulating debate.

Rhiannon  - Poynton PANDAS Support Group

"The Roller Coaster ride of Life". My experience with PND (A dad's perspective)

I’ve been married to my wife since 2009. The marriage was solid and we were financially sound with a nice house in a lovely area. We decided to start a family and after a year of trying Noah was conceived and born in August 2011. My wife had a good pregnancy with no issues or problems throughout.

My wife gave birth naturally and Noah was finally with us, Noah was always active and getting into things, never satisfied in doing one thing - after 5 minutes it was onto the next thing. Noah was very hard work for a first baby and, being first time parents, we were quickly affected by sleep deprivation. My wife was affected more due to trying to breastfeed and Noah never seemed to be full. This had a massive impact on our sleeping patterns.

Over a period of 2 months my wife became affected by constantly being told by the Health Visitor that breast was best and different techniques to try and get Noah to sleep. On a night Noah would be screaming for anything up to 2 hours or more. At that time we had no idea what was wrong or what to do for the best - completely disorientated and having little or no support. Looking back now Noah was just hungry.  After 2 months my wife was worn out and completely demoralised by how Noah was, quite often breaking down in tears or having the whole array of emotions from anger to anxiety through to making sure I did everything the way she wanted, even down to the last details of how to put a nappy on to pushing the push chair (I was very micromanaged).

As a first time dad and having no idea what was going on with my wife, or how best to look after Noah, it was very difficult for me to support my wife with her varying mood swings or erratic interpretations of what people meant when she was spoken to. Sometimes I would be reduced to sitting in a room on my own or going out, even breaking down in tears myself. It’s fair to say it was far from perfect and having to deal with this on a daily basis for almost three years was hard, frustrating and made me feel very low due to my wife's constant fluctuation of moods and arguments, which sometimes, now thinking about it, was not aimed at me.

Having no real constant family support and no one for me to talk to, I had to deal with it myself.

During this time I was back at work and hated going home due to the on-going situation. One night we had a conversation about how to get Noah to sleep and we should try a bottle now as we were coming up to 2 months and nothing was working. The Midwives never really sold the bottle idea to my wife. My advice to anyone is breastfeed for the first 2 weeks and if you're having problems, get the little one on the bottle and give yourself a break.

The first night of trying the bottle, my wife tried to breastfeed first and was falling asleep with Noah in her arms as she was that tired and exhausted. Noah had a good feed of the bottle which he took to really well thankfully. He slept from midnight all the way though to 05:30hrs (Bliss). So this sorted out the sleeping but not the separation issues or how active Noah was - he was tiring to say the least.

After about 3 years it was getting to the point where I was considering leaving my wife but I knew I had to stick with her and Noah. Nothing would be gained from leaving. This is a decision I had to make which meant just weathering the storm however I could. Sometimes it would be to do lots of things around the house, keeping busy and trying to do as much as I could to help my wife without being asked so she felt she did not have to worry so much.

Around the time Noah was aged 1, my wife’s mother was diagnosed with grade 4 tongue and throat cancer, so along with everything else, my wife needed to be supportive of her mum. However once the majority of the chemotherapy had been completed and she had been clear for a good few months, my wife wanted to keep her mum in the loop with the kids and her mum wanted to help her as much as possible. Every so often she offered to look after Noah, at this point 2 years later my wife fell pregnant with our second little boy Daniel (this was planned). For some reason this caused further tension with my wife’s mum and her ability to look after Noah revolving around child care.

This caused a family upset for whatever reason and my wife felt left out and outcast with family members saying she should not have been allowing her mum to look after Noah for a few hours, being calling selfish and thoughtless considering what her mother had just been through.

This sent my wife deeper into very low self-esteem and belief in her ability to be a good mother; feeling she could not turn to anyone for help other than her Aunty who has been a life saver though the young years of both of our little boys. At the time I felt I had to step up and address the situation speaking to her brother and mum to get a feel for what was going on which I think was very unfair and very one sided. I had to be my wife’s rock, offering her stability and control when required and sometimes reason. I tried to give her alternate ways to look at things, basically just being there for her and acting as a sounding board.

On a daily basis my wife would be very sensitive regarding how she was doing and what people thought of her at being a mother. After speaking with the family who offered little support, I contacted the doctor explaining what had been going on repeating to the doctor things my wife was saying e.g. “I’ve survived another day keeping my s*** together”.

My wife visited the doctor after being pregnant for 2 months with Daniel who said she needed to come in and speak to her regarding everything and thought her behaviour and demeanour was not normal and needed to be addressed and nipped in the bud. Luckily I found a doctor I had used before who took a real interest in the person and not just at prescribing medication to get a quick fix to the situation. At the same time my wife said she thought she was suffering from depression. It felt like we had reached a turning point and my wife attended the doctors and was prescribed Citalopram 20mg which was used to level her off. It stated it would take a minimum of 2 weeks to get in her system however I saw a change as soon as she began taking the medication. She was more relaxed, able to process and deal with situations and just take a backseat with things and was able to deal with Noah.

Things were good for a time and Daniel came along and I was better equipped this time around - it was a completely different ball game. Noah was still very hard work but my wife was feeling better. Home life was better however she was still very upset with her family and circumstances, which she still dwells on today and causes her down days.

From then until the current day things have got better but unfortunately my wife had to find her own support due to Doctors even today not being well up on outside agencies who offer support in Mental Health, and me not knowing where to start with the whole support.

My wife managed to speak with a mental health doctor who confirmed that the Citalopram was not doing anything for her and she should seek alternatives like CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

My wife felt very unsupported by the local GP which had now changed to locums who just wanted to increase the medication even though the doctor stated it would not help with her sleep or worries.

She was now living in over-drive, thinking she had to do everything and just feeling she was not coping. Again my wife would have bouts of low mood and anxiety. It almost felt like we were back at square one, with me being criticised as to what I was not doing to help out. Again I felt lost!!

Whilst at work my wife looked for alternate medication and found a PANDAS support group which offered an outlet to meet like-minded people and talk about things, getting things off her chest and mind. During this process she was also informed by a family member of a charity called “Mood Swings” based in Manchester City Centre who offered CBT. She attended Mood Swings and was able to talk things through, being offered a different way to look and manage things at home. We also enrolled on a parenting course to better our abilities/tactics to cater for Noah’s behaviour which was still very wild and virtually uncontrollable at times. I remember my wife saying she felt after the meeting at mood swings, someone finally understood her and she wasn’t going crazy. She attended a number of meeting at the charity Mood Swings & PANDAS which are specifically designed to help people with all aspects of Mental Health which was a good thing.

After a while my wife came off the Citalopram and I am pleased to say is now completely free of the medication, however we’ve had a few wobbles along the way and a few further doctors' appointments just to make sure nothing was running away with her again.

With the support of PANDAS, Mood Swings and little from me, she has managed to get back on the level again, however it has been a long and winding road to a working progress recovery.

I think what I have witnessed whilst she has been going through Anxiety/ Depression is just to be there and be a listening ear, and to try to remember a lot is not to do with you as a person. There is a lot of anger, upset and high emotions. Remember to use the doctors and review the internet for alternate support for Mental Health. Mental Health has a massive impact on the home and family life and most of the time it's uncontrolled. My wife a lot of the time did not want to feel the way she did but the low feeling just consumed her. Unless you have a good support network for yourself and the person affected, it can be a very lonely place; having no outlet to talk and download your feelings.

It’s very important for you to keep talking to each other and it is a lot easier said than done to support the person, be ready for being judged and shouted at, even over very minor situations. The main thing to remember for me was to look at the bigger picture and think of your children and repercussions of not being there for your partner. Things do get better but it is always a work in progress and it’s just recognising the signs of Mental Health if there is going to be a relapse.

Most important is just be there to listen and give advice. Believe me there have been many days and nights where you just have to listen and take everything, be ready to dive in and offer stability and plenty of hugs and understanding. It’s a bit like the matrix sometimes with depression; once you recognise the pattern you begin to understand and see what reactions and support you need to give.

For the person who is on the receiving end of depression it is very important you keep level and keep whatever routine, hobbies you have going to give you peace of mind. I know my wife kept telling me to go out with my friends and to keep in touch with people and to look after myself.

I know I’ve said it a lot but if I can do it, anyone can work though depression. It’s not nice and it’s not an easy road but if you stick with it you do start to see more blue sky days where we both enjoy the children and have good times again. We still today have a run of low days followed by not so low days and we just have to go with the flow sometimes.

Finally Noah has come of age at 5 yrs. with having consistency and consequences he has calmed down a lot and now showing his true personality due to his speech coming on leaps and bounds. This too has added stability and calmness to my wife.

PND really does affect and impact on everyone close to the person who is suffering from the illness and has a massive effect on everyone, but you can survive and come through it, just remember to KEEP GOING!!

Melanie's Story

I’m Melanie (on the right of pic), mum to 5 fabulous kids, Imogen, Jessica, Hugh, Henry, and Emilia.

All those very many years ago when I first became a mum, life was simple and good. Yes, there were breast feeding problems, anxieties about how I would look after them, sleep deprivation, etc but on the whole I could cope. Post natal groups and support was plenty, I made good friends, in fact I would say the time with my two little preschool girls was amongst the happiest periods in my life.


Then we moved and within a short time I was pregnant for the third time. I wasn’t near family and friends anymore and when he finally arrived there was no post natal group offered to me, and I began to feel increasingly alone. When I filled in a questionnaire which highlighted to the health visitor that I may have PND I got a phone call asking if I was ok. I lied, not wanting to be a failure and not wanting the stigma of mental illness and that was the end of any support. I suppose they presumed I could cope because I already had two children but the reality was different. My self esteem plummeted as I found it difficult to make friends, I became more isolated and just functioned without enjoying life, even though I had three lovely happy children. 

With nowhere to turn and with no one to talk to things got worse.
 When I became pregnant again I was still suffering from PND and after his birth my self-esteem was so low that I just wanted to disappear. I stopped eating and I did begin to disappear the weight fell off me. At first this made me feel good but I couldn’t look after all my children and not eat. I developed bulimia and this continued for years… Low self esteem led to bingeing, bingeing lead to purging, purging led to self loathing and low self esteem. I was trapped.


Then crisis point came one new year's eve when I wanted to make not existing a reality. I finally realised I needed medical help and set on the long long road to recovery. It was very difficult in truth with good days and black days but I got there, trying many different approaches along the way.


I have since been blessed with Emilia, and as an older, more confident mum it has been much easier.

I have no doubt that with more support in those early days my story would be completely different which is why when approached to help set up Poynton PANDAS I didn’t hesitate. I want other mums to have what I didn’t have, simply someone to talk to, someone who won’t judge and who will understand. It is incredibly important.

If you feel you need support email us at psppoynton@aol.co.uk

Motherhood: Owls and daffodils and my experience of postpartum psychosis

This is my experience of the first year of motherhood. I want to tell the story as I thought it might help me to write things down but I also hope it helps others who may be going through similar things.

I had a very happy childhood, growing up in Birmingham with my Mum, Dad, and two younger brothers. I went away to university at the age of 18 to study Sport Science and went on to further my studies with a Masters degree and a PhD. I became a lecturer and researcher a few years ago, where I have enjoyed teaching and researching about physical activity and health. My Mum passed away whilst I was at university, which to be honest, I will never get over, but I have adjusted to life without her and try to live life to the full. I met my husband at university and we got married a few years ago. We enjoy travelling together and particularly enjoy climbing, cycling and mountain walking together. The decision to have children took us a while, as we were very much career focused and into our outdoor activities, which we knew would have to go on hold for a while! Nevertheless we embraced our pregnancy and were very excited about the times ahead.

My pregnancy was great! I felt healthy and carried on exercising and worked quite late into it. I was a week overdue when I started to show signs of pre-eclampsia, so I was admitted to hospital to be monitored and it was decided that I should be induced. Although it was not quite how I imagined the birth to be, I took it in my stride and was pleased that the baby would be on its way! I developed a temperature and started showing signs of an infection, so I was put on an IV antibiotic drip as a precaution to stop any infection. I went into labour on the Monday evening and started to have contractions throughout the night. To cut a long story short as I’m sure you don’t need to hear about the labour! after 36 hours, it was decided that the induction had failed and the baby was in distress. I had an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic (I couldn’t have a spinal as there was a risk of infection). 

At 6.23 am on the Wednesday 4th March 2015, our baby daughter was born.

I woke up from the general anaesthetic quite confused. This is probably quite normal, but the confusion got worse and was prolonged. I couldn’t work out what had happened to me. I had no concept of time and I couldn’t really work out where our daughter had come from. The doctors reversed the morphine pump (which I had for the pain from the c-section), incase I was reacting badly to it (this didn’t change anything). They did a CT scan on my brain to see if I had had a stroke from the pre-eclampsia (it came back negative). They continued to monitor me. By 6pm that evening we realised that we hadn’t even told anyone that our daughter had been born, as so much had been going on. I started to breastfeed, but my milk hadn’t come in. I didn’t sleep that night, or for the next few nights as time was taken up trying to comfort our new baby daughter and trying to breastfeed, but also for some reason, I just couldn’t sleep. My brain was on overdrive, I was manic. As I was quite ill and the doctors and midwives couldn’t work out what was wrong with me, I stayed on the labour ward and my husband was allowed to stay too (on a camp bed that the kind midwives had made up for him!).

The next few days are a blur. I was still in hospital, but was moved to the postnatal ward. My parents visited, I tried to breastfeed but failed. Our daughter started formula feeding. The midwives took our daughter in the night to give us a break, but I still couldn’t sleep. My husband left on the Saturday night so that he could get some sleep at home. I was awake during the night, and I became increasingly anxious and started to hear babies crying everywhere. I was convinced the midwives were talking about me outside my room, I heard chains being jangled outside my room as if someone was coming to lock me up. I asked one of the midwives what I had done and why people were coming to get me to take me away (they weren’t).

The next morning (Sunday), my husband came back and the midwives told him they were quite concerned about me, that I was very anxious and had been up all night. That morning, I was walking to the toilet across the way from my room and I collapsed. In my medical notes it says that I collapsed for a few minutes and refused to get up. In my mind it was very different…. My husband was asking me ‘why did you do it?’ and I turned round to see the midwives taking our baby daughter away to be resuscitated. I suddenly had a realisation about what I had done – I had killed our baby daughter and I was going to have to face everyone I knew and tell them.

I was lifted onto the bed and I eventually came round. My whole reality and perception of the world had shifted. I thought I was living in an afterlife and was being punished for what I had done to our daughter. My husband and best friend were there with me, but I had this tormenting feeling within me that I was going to have to admit to them what I had done. In reality, our daughter was fine and was being looked after by the midwives whilst all this was going on. Eventually when she came back into the room I didn’t believe she was mine.

I was admitted to a general psychiatric ward after telling a nurse everything that had happened whilst I had collapsed. Our daughter went home with my husband. After a week of monitoring and not believing I was still alive, I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. A rare psychiatric emergency that can happen to anyone after childbirth. The reasons for it are still largely unknown, but can be a combination of a traumatic birth, lack of sleep, influx of hormones related to childbirth and underlying psychological issues, although it can happen to anyone with no previous history of mental health issues.

Again the rest of things are a bit of a blur, I was discharged from the psychiatric unit and monitored at home. I still believed that I was living in an afterlife, and my friends and family became stranger like. I was prescribed anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety medication. My husband took time off work to look after our daughter and me. Day to day life was spent going through the motions of feeding and nappy changing, together with appointments with mental health teams, health visitors, GPs and clinical psychologists. I had delusions, I was paranoid, and I still didn’t believe I was ill. I just couldn’t make sense of the world. Certain things were very loud and in my face. The clock in our kitchen was so loud I had to take the batteries out. Birds and animals were so loud they were almost in my head. Owls and daffodils seemed to pop up everywhere! They stood out to me, almost jumped out at me and I found hidden meanings in all of these. In reality however, owls were becoming very fashionable and were on everything from socks to pencil cases and it was St Davids day in Wales where I live, so the daffodils just happened to be out in bloom! I felt as though everything was being controlled by a higher being and that something or someone was tormenting me (I have no idea who, as I am not a religious person).

Eventually I started to come round to the idea that I might be ill. But I started thinking that there was no way I was going to get better and I just couldn’t see a way out. I began to get very depressed. My mood was very low and I couldn’t see how I could get out of the mess I was in. I had intrusive thoughts about our daughter. I didn’t want to harm her, but I was scared I was going to, almost a panic and fear that I was going to do something to her. I guess this was all related to the psychotic episode that I had in hospital, I was scared that I could have another episode and what was to stop me from harming her?  I had no positive feelings towards my daughter or husband, or for anyone else for that matter and I just thought things would be better if I wasn’t here. I had no control over my thoughts. I would constantly flit between needing to get better, but not knowing how, to getting images of how I could end things. I was in a very dark place. I refused to go back into the general psychiatric ward as I was so scared of it, so I was monitored every day at home and was not allowed to be by myself. My diagnosis changed slightly to ‘severe depression with psychotic symptoms’.

Things got so bad that my husband was forced to push for more treatment. In December 2015 I started electro-convulsive therapy. I had 10 sessions. I’m not really sure how it works, but I think it kick starts the brain into working again. It is quite drastic and used as a last resort and something that was under debate a lot between my psychiatrist and my husband for quite a while. It is not something to enter lightly. It was horrible and something I never want to go through again, but it quite literally saved my life. I finished treatment mid-January 2016.

I am not psychotic anymore, but I am still recovering from the shock and realisation about what happened. My memory of the last year is so poor that I have to be constantly reminded of situations by family and friends. I see a clinical psychologist who is helping me with all this and also with my lack of feelings towards my daughter. I am so much better than I was, but it is something that will shadow the first few years of my daughter’s life. It was certainly not the happy time I thought having a child would be. I feel sad and grieve for the lost times with my daughter. However, I sometimes can’t believe how much better I feel and I get excited by the fact that I can feel excited about things! I am beginning to get some special moments with my daughter where I feel love towards her and I hang on to these knowing that there will be more to come. I have learned quite a few things over the last year…. Becoming mentally ill can happen to anyone and it is such a dark and lonely place. It is so hard to describe to someone just what you are going through and without sounding patronising, I don’t think people can really understand unless they have been through it themselves. I have also learned that I have an amazing network of family and friends, my husband is my rock, I am pretty strong, and life’s too short!

Today our baby daughter, who we named Ella Jo, is nearly 16 months old! Not that I am biased or anything, but she really is the cutest thing I have ever seen….!

Thank-you Rhiannon (Poynton PANDAS) for being there when I needed some support and for giving me the opportunity to share my story.

Sally

High achieving super mother syndrome

When I finally "came out" I remember well the looks of shock and disbelief. Surely you haven't got postnatal depression said the looks. I could almost imagine the conversations at the toddler groups - "Rhiannon?" "nah she's fine. Isn't she?" "She seems to juggle those twins like a pro-mother". 

I was wiping tears and snot, cleaning bums and faces and seeing danger in two corners of the room before it's even happened. I was flying round the place and quickly prioritising who to respond to first; a ninja mother with a samurai and a dagger. I knew I looked like I had it all figured out. I quite liked that. I quite liked that I looked at ease, confident and composed. But those 2 hours at the toddler group - that pretence would leave me absolutely exhausted. If you spent any more than 2 hours with me, you would see that mask begin to slip. There would be a raised voice or rather a shrill scream (from me not them). I would suddenly lose my shit if things weren't going to plan at home. I hate the memories of me absolutely screaming at them. Awful awful awful. Sorry babies :-(

So to combat the crazy mother I was beginning to become at home. I wouldn't spend time at home. I was scared what I might do at home. We would be up and out with our bags packed, 4 changes of clothes, 4 bottles with cooled boiled water and carefully measured formula, 8 nappies (just in case), snacks a plenty, an itinerary that had been researched the night before. We knew where we were going and who we would be seeing. We would be seeing mummies and babies for most of the day and if they were having a well earned rest, we would pull over on the side of the road for our naps. No rest for the wicked or rather no rest for the hyped up, anti depressant fuelled, manic mother. Chop chop and off we go....

When I was home and doing the bedtime routine alone (again), my mask would again start to slip. Bathing two babies, giving them milk, trying to settle them. Singing my 20 lullabies on repeat. You may well have heard my voice crack if you were there. It would crack from utter exhaustion and sometimes no sound would come out as I had nothing left to give.

I would go to bed and begin the worry. I would plan the next day down to the minutest detail,  I would analyse every conversation I had had that day. I would not sleep that night but we would be up and out with the changing bag full to bursting the following day. I was a mother fearful of stopping. What would happen if I stopped? If I stopped, I would just give up. I would curl into a ball and give up.

So this was my version of postnatal depression. My version of postnatal depression could easily have been mistaken for high achieving super mother syndrome. Is there such a thing? If not there should be.

It seems I wasn't alone in this state. All over the UK at the same time as me and right this moment mums are powering on and dying inside.

"When visitors came and then as they were leaving I would get upset as I felt for the short time they were there life was fairly 'normal'." TM

"I used to go into the shower to disguise the noise of me sobbing" AB

" I would keep my phone on silent so I could screen calls/texts. With my 2nd I joined the world of Facebook so it could be my "normal" mask to hide behind my posted perfect family life. More often than not the posted photo would be the minutest time that there was a moment of joy in my sadness". CA

"I kept trying to start "projects"; businesses, new hobbies, diets. I was desperate to have something that made me more than "just a Mum". I was obsessive about it, which highlighted my irritation with everything that my baby did (crying, needing attention, food). I felt like she was holding me back. Feels awful to say now, but I felt so angry with her at the time". CJ

"I was stupidly busy; always going to play groups or doing a project at home - never sitting still so that people couldn't see that I couldn't relax and be happy". HS

" I would hide behind 'problems'. I had postnatal anxiety with my second and would obsess over everything. He had colic, silent reflux, tongue tie, problems feeding, prolonged jaundice, etc..and I would hide behind 'his symptoms' but really I felt broken and useless inside. If I focused on the physical symptoms it meant they could be fixed and I didn't have to tell anyone what was really going on inside me head". NH

"I would have anger outbursts and sleep a lot,. I complained of being tired a lot and was short with people and generally agitated". KP

"Other than feeding I'd pass her to anyone who was around, on the guise of them getting a cuddle (only family friends etc but still, hate to think of it now)." SV

"I was always snappy and irritable which I think is so easy to brush off". RB

"I didn't want anyone to hold her as she might cry and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. More often than not she would cry when others held her so I would rather avoid it." CA

"I baked constantly. massive diversion! And was incredibly OCD as a way to control everything." HT

So - mums, friends, family, GPs, Health Visitors and Midwives - next time you're talking to a mum who looks like she has it down. Next time you're wondering how she does it as she's always busy busy and flying about. Look for the subtle signs. Ask how she is. She might just tell you the truth.

Rhiannon x

The PND Rat

The PND rat was a baddie
The PND rat was a beast
He took what he wanted and ate what he took
His life was one long feast
His teeth were sharp and yellow
His manners were rough and rude
And the PND rat went riding - riding - riding
Riding into motherhood
And stealing a mother's good mood

A new mum came walking a long the road
Then stopped with her hands in the air,
For blocking her way was the PND Rat,
Who cried out, "Who goes there?"

"Give me your smiles and joy!
Your happiness you'll have to fake
For I am the Rat of PND
and whatever I want I take!"

"I have no joy" the new mum replied
"I just have this motherhood book"
The PND rat gave a scornful look
but he ordered "Hand it over"

"This book is bound to be useless.
This book is dull as can be,
But I am the Rat of PND
and this book belongs to me!"

A dad came bounding along the road
then stopped with a shake and a shiver,
For reining his horse was the PND Rat,
who thundered "Stand and deliver"!

"Give me your hopes and dreams.
Here are some horrid nightmares.
For I am the Rat of PND
and sometimes I like to share"

"I have no dreams" the dad replied
"I was told to hand them over
to another Rat who looks like you.
I feel my life is over"

The robber snatched the last dream and snarled
"I'll have no ifs or buts.
These dreams are probably rubbish.
These dreams are as crap as can be.
But I am the Rat of PND
and these dreams belong to me."

A gang of mummies came down the road
All pushing a gleaming pram
In their way was the PND Rat who gave one a high impact ram
"You! Why are you with people?
You're as shit as can be.
For I am the Rat of PND
and your confidence belongs to me!"

"Leave her alone" one mummy replied.
"Don't give her anymore grief."
"It's ok" said PND mum
"I give in. You happiness thief".

With never a please or a thank you,
The Rat carried on in this way.
Took sleep from one mum!
Gave fear to the next!
Saying "it's not okay
to talk about this to anyone"
"Just put up and shut up you see?"

A GP came waddling down the road
Then stopped with a "How do you do?"
"I see you have nothing" the Rat complained....
"Just a waiting list for CBT"
"By the time that wait is over..
your patient will belong to me"

"Hang on" quacked the doc, "for I have a prescription"...."goodies you might prefer"
"This piece of paper will lead you to light."
"At least I hope it's a cure."
"For I have no time to speak to you.
Ten minutes will have to do.
So please take this paper and cash it in.
I think you'll like them I do".

Off went the vermin
Prescription in hand
to a late night pharmacy
"I'll have as many as you've got
These goodies belong to me!"

The Rat found himself by a lonely cave
And the doctor gave him a shove
"In you go. You PND"
"I hope that you find love"

"What a strange thing to say" said PND
"I'll find no love in there"
"For it's dark and black"
" And nobody knows what's going on for me"

But after a week or maybe two
A light began to flicker
Far away it was at first
And then came into view

Holding the light was a dear friend
With a gentle smile on her face
"I know how you feel" said little mouse
"I've also fallen from grace".

"I had a litter of mouselings."
"All teeny and wonderfully cute".
"But then came a haze. A terrible phase"
"And now I think I'm a brute"

"I'm the worse mummy ever."
"I'm as shit as can be."
"I'm just not worth loving."
"Cos PND happened to me".

PND felt dreadful
"I'm sorry I was such a rat"
"I was just wanted some of that love and then I grew horribly fat"
"Mummy love is so strong. I wanted some you see.
"But I took too much . I ruined them"
"And now I know. I see"

"I'll give it back. That love I took"
"I'll give it back to those
who want to love their little ones and kiss their tiny toes.
"But first they need to love themselves.
"I'll give them back their courage."
"To fight this illness once and for all."
"I want to see them flourish".

One by one the mums and dads
saw it wasn't their fault
For PND rat was a horrible "t**t"
and they put it in a vault

Some days were a battle
PND wanted out you see
But the mums and dads fought on and on
And one day they were free

Free from guilt and loathing
Free from low self-worth
For the thing that was lost
Was love for themselves
But it grew back slowly.



Based on the story The Highway Rat by Julia Donaldson. Illustrated by Axel Scheffler.


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If you need help with pre or postnatal illness, come along to our weekly drop in group which starts again on Mon 7th Sept 10.45-12.15 at St George's Church, Poynton.

Email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

Meet our Volunteer Peer Supporter - Charlotte

My name is Charlotte Humphreys, I am 24 and mummy to 2 children.

I have been studying for the past 12 months, and will do for the next 12 in order to make it onto the Midwifery programme where it will lead me to a career I am passionate about and will ultimately love.

In between studies I love to spend quality time with my children, together and separately. On the odd occasion I see have time without my children, I love and appreciate "me time" where I catch up with close friends, have dinner out, go to the cinema or even just paint my nails!

I discovered PANDAS whilst looking into areas I could study to help with my future education, training and personal support I provide to close friends.

Perinatal Mental Health has been an issue close to my heart after suffering Prenatal Depression with my first child and Postnatal Depression with my second. Originally with Prenatal Depression I didn't even realise what was wrong. It never occurred that my tearfulness, low energy, constant sleeping, feeling of "alienation", wanting to hide my baby bump and not wanting others to talk about my baby was actually my state of mind. I didn't have the confidence to even speak to my Midwife at my antenatal appointment!

Postnatal Depression didn't occur until my second child was 15 months old, again never realising that it could occur so long after birth! I didn't know of anyone to talk to so I immediately went to the doctors and expressed my concerns of feeling as though I wanted to run away from my family, never feeling adequate or I was doing things right. I felt all the struggles that come with being a mum was personal, a target just for me, not something that is shared by every parent at some stage!

I am here to provide support, understanding and a friendly hug; things I didn't feel I had when I was unwell. If I'd found a peer support group like PANDAS, I might have felt I had more options than going on medication straight away.

I want to be able to give the opportunity for anyone experiencing similar situations to myself or the other PANDAS Peer Supporters, to feel at ease, and free from judgement. I want them to seek advice and feel relief from the strain of this illness which I didn't have outside of my family.

Charlotte xx

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If you could do with someone to talk with about pre or postnatal mental health, come along to our weekly drop in group which starts again on Monday 7th September at St George's Church, Poynton 10.45-12.15. Children are very welcome. It's a free, no pressure, supportive environment.

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

Modern motherhood is a bitch

With recent figures suggesting that 1 in 7 mothers have some form of mental health problem following the birth of their child, and a Guardian article from 2014 showing a rise in doctors prescribing antidepressants, particularly among women, I wonder what has gone wrong? These days it seems that modern motherhood is so challenging that you won't need to chat to too many mums before they admit anxiety, insomnia, stress and the fact that they too take some form of antidepressant.

I often wonder whether our society has a lot to answer for. Dispersed families, both parents working silly hours, the "have it all" generation. Hmmmm I somehow feel we have so much stress in our modern lives that something has to give. Inevitably it's our mental health. After all, there's only so long you can run on that treadmill and juggle all of those balls and babies before you pop. I'm guilty of it myself. I learned very quickly that success in life wasn't all about achieving, working hard, achieving, working harder and always striving for that perfect life. Except that perfect life, I now realise, is the one we are living now. Not the one that we will get if we clean our houses more, run around in endless circles more, connecting with endless friends on social media more. No this life is happening now. Right now. Stop. Look around you. What do you see? Probably the people that mean the most in the world to you than anything. They're here and needing us in this moment. Just slow down and connect with your children. They won't be little forever but that hoovering will still be there.

If you look closely at us modern mums you will often see wild eyes, sometimes with a little adrenaline tick in the corner. An inability to concentrate or to hold a conversation. Trying our hardest to keep a lid on those bubbling feelings of "if one more thing goes wrong today, I'm really going to lose it". Pick us up and give us a shake and you'll hear the familiar rattle of a bottle of pills. We're popping antidepressants like vitamin tablets. We're at the end of our tethers.

Modern motherhood sucks!! There's too much expected of us. A recent question on a local mums social media page illustrates my point. "How do I get a balance in my life when both of us work full time and we have two small children?" The lady was quite clearly sinking but the answers given didn't acknowledge her subtle cry for help. The answers told her to go faster,do more, schedule, plan, batch cook, lose your mind. Having succumbed to postnatal depression for a number of reasons; social isolation, exhaustion and having very high and unrealistic expectations of myself, I would now give this answer. Modern motherhood is a bitch. But you can chose whether you enter that world with dreams of clean chubby faces, clean ironed linen, meeting every deadline, running around in circles, engaging in every social occasion, cooking healthy meals from scratch every night and killing yourself in the process. The alternative is a messy house, some healthy meals, lots of fun, no unrealistic deadlines and being really gentle and kind to yourself.

This is the time in our lives that we will look back on with the biggest regrets and I guarantee you it won't be about not achieving those standards we set ourselves, it will be because we didn't spend our time with the most precious things in our lives - our children.

Modern motherhood is hard but you can choose how you tackle it.

Rhiannon xx

You are not alone

Tick, tock, tick, tock went that clock. The one above the twins high chairs. It was the third time that day I had wrestled their little plump bodies into those no-nonsense, easy clean Ikea chairs. Here we go again I thought. At least feeding time at the zoo would eat away at some of those very veeeeery looooong minutes. But no. Every time I stared up at that clock no more than 1 minute had passed. When would I next see another adult? I couldn't expect Paul home from work til 8pm and I didn't know anyone else in the village. I'd missed the baby & toddler groups as Twin 1 desperately needed to sleep while Twin 2 desperately wanted to be held. Maybe I would phone mum? Nah best not - it will only worry her and she's too far away to help.

God I feel so alone. I'm constantly in company with the babies but I have never felt so alone. Quick - let's check Facebook. What's everyone up to? Blah Blah Blah all leading happy, normal, non-postnatal depression lives. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I wanted these babies so much. It took so long for them to be made and an eon for them to be here with me. So wanted. So loved. So f****ing needy and not giving me a second to process what is going on in my mind. Why does nobody else feel this way?

Right tomorrow I will.... tomorrow I will really try to get us up and out and meeting people. We need to integrate, get back into society. But nobody knows me and what happens if....? Shit I'm going to have to pretend that I've got it together. Surely nobody would be remotely interested in meeting the new woman in the village with her twins..... Ok well I'll see how we are tomorrow before I decide if WE (I) are up to it...

I met someone. Well I went to the Health Visitor session and I met a few people. They were nice, friendly. I didn't tell them how I was feeling of course. Who would want to know that? We smiled and chatted and talked about bottle or breast, sleep or no sleep - you know the usual. But I'm sure nobody would understand if I truly opened up. They would think I was a freak. No other mums feel like this do they?

Why am I awake? It's 2am and the twins are asleep. I've been up since 6am and not sat down since. Now I'm lying down in this nice comfy bed and the house is quiet. Nobody needs me. Try to relax. Come on try to relax. Just go to sleep. Look the best case scenario at this point is 4 hours sleep. Please just. go. to. sleep. God what's wrong with me? I'm soooooo tired but I'm sooooooo ANGRY!!! Why do I have this problem? I'm so tired of hiding it from some and trying to explain it to others. It's a bloody nightmare.

I went to a baby & toddler group this morning. The twins were in their pjs. Well I couldn't risk trying to get them dressed and then out of the house. They were fed, nappies changed and I couldn't face choosing outfits so I bundled them into the car. I was in my pjs too (under my jumper). I'd nappy wiped my face, scraped my hair back and all I could think of was the promise of tea and toast.... I went!! I met Helen. I really get on well with her. I told her I've been struggling and I think she understands. She hinted she felt similarly. Oh the relief!

I got an email today. It was from the Children's Centre asking if any parents wanted to help set up a support group for people with low mood. I've responded and said yes. Well I need some help don't I and surely I'll get to speak to some people who feel the same way. I would really welcome a proper conversation about how I'm feeling without a "put-on sympathy/judgemental" expression being fired my way.

I think this is going to help me. Don't get me wrong it's going to be hard. I'm not well you see but we have insisted that a Health Visitor comes to all our sessions in case us parents are too poorly to attend. I'm excited. I'm grateful to have a purpose every week. Come on you evil, destructive, isolating depression. Let's be having you!

I talk to everyone about perinatal mental health now. The twins are nearly 4. We are so happy. Don't get me wrong I have my bad days. But they are far fewer than ever before. They scare me as I think I'm going back there again but I don't. I think I must be the village pin up for someone who has had PND but I don't care. I want people to know they are not alone. It's important to me that mums realise it's normal to feel mentally unwell during or after pregnancy. Dads get it too - I didn't know that 4 years ago.

I am so grateful. So grateful to have fought and overcome this miserable, silent, debilitating condition. I have met some of the nicest people ever by having this illness. I count them as friends for life.

You are not alone.

We are here too.

Rhiannon xx

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If you need someone to talk with contact Poynton PANDAS Support Group by emailing psppoynton@aol.co.uk or like our facebook page www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

If we are not close to you, contact PANDAS by visiting http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

The PND after party

"Are you recovered now?" asked a lovely Health Visitor and Trustee yesterday at the PANDAS annual conference. We'd just met and exchanged pleasantries over breakfast. She had said she was really keen to meet me and had been watching "all the great things" I've been doing with the Poynton PANDAS Support Group. "Ummmm yes" I said "I feel much better these days but I still like to use the term in recovery" when it comes to explaining how I am since having had postnatal depression which started 3.5 years ago......

I didn't like to bore her with the details because in my head, she didn't really want to know how I was. Much like the other delegates at the Conference who I barely knew - I'm sure they didn't give a damn if I was there or not. You see this for me is the aftermath of postnatal depression. This is the PND after party in all it's self-doubting, over-analysing, tending towards the negative glory.

"Don't be so hard on yourself" my husband still says on the days and nights that I just can't see past my own weaknesses and and failures. "Just look at the twins. They're brilliant and that's mostly down to you". I believe him. I know he says these words and means them but I just can't accept them. You see the problem is.... the problem is that I must be weak and I must be a failure because I had postnatal depression. I feel that I carry that trophy around with me every day. Screw the kids being happy and healthy, the fun times we have as a family, the fact that I have all I want in the world - I'm a big, fat PND failure.

"I want you to have the flower shaped playdough piece" says Bea as I write this blog post. "Why do you want me to have it?" I ask. Because "you the best mummy" says a beaming 3 year old with pink rosy cheeks. "Hmmmmm I think. I'm alright. But I'm probably a bit shit. Yes I'm definitely a bit shit because I got ill, I lost my job and now the best I can do is to volunteer. What a loser!

I met some lovely people yesterday at the conference. The day wasn't so bad after all! People seemed genuinely pleased to meet me.... or did they?!! There were many moments of pride and relief yesterday as I looked around the room and saw it was full of people who had been poorly with perinatal mental illness. "I feel quite emotional" said one delegate and fellow Support Group Leader. "I've never been with so many people who have had PND and overcome it". The relief on her face was plain to see. At last there was an acceptance in the room as well as a deeper personal acceptance and acknowledgement of the fight we have all fought and overcome.

The highlight for me was meeting author Olivia Siegl of the brilliant blog The Baby Bible - the no bullshit guide to motherhood http://www.the-baby-bible.com/blog/ . I love Olivia's honest, upfront, no bullshit style in her writing and I was moved to see that she is a survivor just like me. Olivia, with all of her successes and followers, stood up to speak to us and spoke candidly about how her self-doubt and low self-esteem had led her to nearly cancel her appearance at the conference. Damn that evil PND but thank goodness I thought. At last I heard someone speak by inner thoughts out load. Even Olivia Siegl doesn't think she's good enough. It's not just me.

So I'm now going to write some new invitations to my next PND afterparty. Self-doubt, low self-worth and self-loathing - you can do one! I am in cohoots with my new army of survivors. They're called "You can do it", "Just give it a go", "Why not?", "Do it now and worry later". These guys are the new in-crowd!!

Lots of love
Rhiannon (PND Survivor) (and proud) xx
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9lyzadA870&feature=youtu.be

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If you are struggling with pre or postnatal mental health issues and need some support, please come along to our support group Poynton PANDAS every term-time Monday 10.45-12.15 @ St George's Church Hall, Poynton or email psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

For information on how PANDAS can help you or to find a support group close to you, visit http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Milk allergies, sleep deprivation and the postnatal depression haze

Hi my name is Alyssa and I'm a relatively new Poynton PANDAS Group Member.

My son J is 2 and I am slowly adjusting to life as a mum.  It's not all rainbows and butterflies like some people lead you to believe.  I had a good pregnancy, easy labour, I turned up at hospital fully dilated.  I went on to have the perfect water birth, in fact I would do that again tomorrow.  However it all seemed to go downhill from then.

In all honesty the first few months, if not first year of J's life is a blur to me.  We had feeding problems which resulted in a short hospital stay after J was born.  I ended up having to express and cup feed J for what seemed like forever.  Eventually 2 weeks in I broke down and 'gave in', I started to give J formula.  Now I know what you're thinking. I bet you thought that would be a lot easier.  In J's case though it wasn't as that was the start of our journey, which ended up with him being diagnosed with Cows Milk Protein Allergy.

J spent most of his newborn days crying and sleeping very little.  We put this down to him being a newborn baby, that's what they do isn't it.  However he would cry for a feed, take ages and fuss when feeding.  Then he would be unsettled for ages before finally falling asleep for maybe 20 minutes before the cycle started again.  I lasted 4 weeks before he had a sleepover at grandmas.  I physically couldn't function I was getting barely 3 hours of broken sleep a night.  When he went to stay at my mums I wasn't remotely upset, I didn't miss him.  This then made me feel guilty for not missing him , sounds daft doesnt it.


When J was 4 months old I went to the doctors about him having reflux but I ended up breaking down on the GP.  I got referred for CBT and given Anti Depressents.  At the time I didn't think CBT was that helpful but looking back it has definitely made me question my thoughts and feelings when I am feeling down.  I found the fact I did CBT 1 to 1 and in person was a big help to me rather than an online course.  I ended up stopping my AD's as I ran out and got into the cycle of not being able to go to get another prescription.  At my worst point I was to afraid to go out of the house incase J started crying and people thought I was a bad mum as I couldn't make him stop.  Eventually with the help of others I managed to slowly walk round the block each day and built it up.  Everytime I went out I just secretly hoped that I wouldn't bump into anyone.


When I finally made it back to the GP and started back on the AD's I noticed a massive difference.  I still take them now but that is nothing I am ashamed of.  I am in a much better place now but still have my down episodes but I can notice when it is happening more now. One of the things I find helpful is getting out of the house even when I don't feel like it.  That is where Poynton PANDAS has come in handy.  I also suffer from anxiety and going out and J playing up is part of that worry.  I have been made to feel welcome at the group and have explained to Rhi this problem.  This in itself is half of the problem solved as I know if J does play up they understand.   Most recently with evil teething I have been having a bad time but I made myself go to the Poynton PANDAS group and can safely say that it lifted my mood whilst I was there.

I actually started a blog as a coping mechanism for my PND www.mumtomonster.com  It was a way for me to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head.  It has now turned into an online diary as such and a way to store memories as I cannot remember so much of the first year because of the PND haze.  Depression is nothing to be ashamed about and I have never had a problem opening up about it.  This was one of the things that annoyed me as apparently talking about depression helps you recover, but in my case it didn't.

..........

If you could do with some understanding company when times are hard, come to Poynton PANDAS weekly drop-in support group.

Every term time Monday 10.45-12.15 at St George's Church Hall, Poynton.

For more information email psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/poyntonPANDAS

The fear

fear fɪə/

noun: fear; plural noun: fears

    1.an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

    synonyms: terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress. 

 

When I got poorly the first and the second time, the thing that drove my illness and fed my illness was fear. My fear would come in the evening and build up to a crescendo of distress by the time it was bed time. Bed time was the thing I dreaded the most. The next morning was my second biggest fear.

In both cases there wasn't really any perceivable threat. There was no bear to fight off during the night and my house wasn't under attack. It just felt scary. Well perhaps not scary but there was a definite overwhelming feeling of dread and foreboding.

The first time round I was poorly and stressed from work. This had led to a feeling of being caught on a hamster wheel where the only possible solution I could find at the time was to go faster. Surely my distress with the constant deadlines and demands of meeting multiple clients' needs would be to multitask more? To do more. Doing more and going faster would get me to that end goal and the world would be a better place. Right? Wrong....

The second time I was poorly the symptoms were identical. The way I reacted to my symptoms was the same too. This time though the clients - a dynamic duo born on a hot sweaty day, were even more demanding than the last lot! These guys didn't know the meaning of clocking off and played me like a fiddle! With each feed taking an hour plus and winding and burping another 20 mins, by the time I had put one down the clock was ticking. I had an hour and a half before twin 1 needed more milk and I hadn't even started on twin 2 yet.  The demands of a busy advertising agency had nothing on these. These clients were the toughest yet and their little cries had a hotline to my heart.

Fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm

This fear or THE FEAR as I now call it is remarkably clever. It sneaks in when you're at your most vulnerable. For me it never escalated above agitation, insomnia and the odd panic attack. I'm well aware that for some dealing with anxiety, THE FEAR is terrifying. THE FEAR for some is constant, unwielding and very very frightening. Intrusive thoughts, psychosis, paranoia coupled with a foreceful desire for it to end. I know in some ways I got off lightly but it didn't feel like that to me at the time.

THE FEAR unfortunately still lives on in me. It's not always there but can tiptoe up to me and touch tackle me from time to time. It's made a return for a couple of weeks again . It's decided to take up residence in my mind for a short while. I know why it's come back. It's because I took my eye of the ball a bit. I forgot that in order to fight THE FEAR I needed to be fully armed and in cohoots with its arch-enemy Calmness and Confidence. Hey where did you guys go? Oh yes.... you ebbed away when I started doing too much again. I got cocky didn't I and started to juggle too many balls again. Let me slap my wrists.

I need to ensure that I prioritise me as much as I can in a busy household where others' needs seem far more pressing than my own. Cancel those unnecessary engagements, throw away that to-do list, baton down the hatches and let's concentrate on me and my needs for a bit. It's a matter of survival you see. THE FEAR according to a very clever counsellor can be combatted, in my case, by not going into battle with it. By sitting with it and acknowledging it and by being very very kind to myself. Wish me luck. See you on the other side.

...............

If you need help with dealing with anxiety. please contact:
Poynton PANDAS (pre and postnatal depression and support)

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk

www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS

Free drop-in group every Monday during term-time
St George's Church Hall, Poynton
10.45-12.15

Dear Sally

Dear Sally

I received a message today. It came from PANDAS Foundation. It said very little. In fact it just had your name, email and telephone number. I was really happy to get your message. I was pleased that you have reached out. My name is Rhiannon. I'm 38 years old and mum to 3.5 year old twins Will & Bea. I run Poynton PANDAS Support Group in Cheshire.

So I wonder what brought you to the point where you sent the request to PANDAS? Are you poorly or are you concerned about someone else? Have you been diagnosed with pre or postnatal illness or do you need a chat about your symptoms?

Let me tell you a bit about me and the group. As I said I'm Rhiannon and I'm a volunteer peer supporter. There are 5 of us all together - well 6 if you count Julia our counsellor - she's fab! We've all suffered from pre or postnatal illness and we're surprised how it has affected us all so differently. You see I didn't get ill until my twins were about 6 months old - it was mostly anxiety and insomnia for me. For our other volunteers it was different. Some were really poorly during pregnancy but much better postnatally and not all of us have suffered with every baby. Anyway I'm digressing..... How are you?

All I know about you so far is that you would like to join our group. I really hope you do. We run a small, welcoming and friendly "baby & toddler" style group. It's free and you can bring your little ones too if you want to. One of the main things we aim to do is provide a weekly, safe place where parents can chat. It can be hard at first for our new members as they often feel so much shame when they first arrive. We can meet you first for a coffee if you would like. We can come down to the carpark and help you walk into group for the first time. Whatever makes you feel comfortable really.

You'll get a brew and biscuits and plenty of time to talk about what's happening with you. You'll hopefully feel a massive sense of relief knowing that you're among people you can be honest with. No more hiding or pretending required with us.

We sometimes have an artist who comes to do arts n crafts with the kids. We sometimes have volunteers who show us how to massage our babies and toddlers but most of all, we just sit, drink tea, play with the kids and chat.

I hope to meet you soon,



Rhiannon.

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Poynton PANDAS - a support group for parents suffering pre and postnatal illness
Every Monday during term-time
10.45-12.15
St George's Church Hall, Poynton

email: psppoynton@aol.co.uk
www.facebook.com/PoyntonPANDAS